Monday, October 1, 2012

Ocular Woes

You know what annoys me (besides everything I have ever posted about...)? Glasses.

For those of you who don't know, I am blind as a fucking bat. Actually, bats might see better.
"Bitch, look out for th– Damn, she is fucking BLIND." - Bats
I don't need glasses to read, but it is really only a matter of time as the zone of blurriness gets closer to my face every year. Right now, everything starts getting blurry at about eight or nine inches from my face. I know that because I am a dork and just measured it.

I bring this up because I have a stupid stye on my upper right eyelid, which is forcing me to have to wear my glasses, thus reminding me of all the reasons I hate them.

Reason 1:  I can't fucking see
With my contact lenses, my vision is almost perfect which is awesome. With my glasses, my vision is blurry enough to piss me off. I don't always notice it, like now when I am focusing on my computer screen, but if I look out at something beyond ten feet the blur is there and it gets progressively worse as I look further away. My eye doctor assures me that the prescription is correct, but he is kind of an asshole so...
What exit sign? I didn't see a fucking sign...dammit.
Reason 2:  I can't wear my fucking sunglasses
This is bullshit. When I got my glasses, there was no optional clip-on attachment for converting them to sunglasses, so now I squint and blink my way through anytime I spend in the sun.
Wearing both sets of glasses is stupid. And, oddly, I look like Yoko Ono...
Reason 3:  They are expensive as hell
Everything else having to do with glasses is an extra cost (including motherfucking lenses). And these "extras" cost a lot. Whereas with my contacts, I pay $36 bucks and get 3 pairs that last me for two weeks each. Done.
Yes, because why would they include the lenses in with the price of the frames?
It's not like the whole point of glasses is THE FUCKING LENSES I NEED TO SEE.
Reason 4:  My eyes are sweating
No, seriously. My eyes feel all sweaty and my nose gets even more oily than usual and I just want to rip the glasses off my face. But I don't have to, because they just slide off my nose, like they do 500 times a day. Yes, I have had them adjusted, my nose is just that greasy.
Why won't you just stay on my face? WHY?!
Reason 5:  I am not a goddamn hipster
I realize I do not wear glasses that often, if ever. Stop asking me if they are new, if I have always worn glasses, or if I am wearing them to be cool. That last one really bothers me. No, I am not wearing them to be cool. I really need them to fucking see. Assface.
Hipsters are douchebags and ruin everything. FACT.
Reason 6:  Laying on your side
I like to lay on my side on a pillow and watch TV and occasionally I fall asleep like that, but you can't do that with glasses. Fall asleep with glasses on and they are all pushed out of alignment with your face.
Like this.
Reason 7:  The fogging
I cook and I'm pretty okay at it. I even like to bake a little and have been known on occasion to actually like the act of cooking. With glasses on, any and all enjoyment dies. Glasses are a magnet for every splatter or splash of anything ever. Cutting onions is a nightmare, as contacts protect you from the eye watering and glasses decidedly don't. They also make quickly checking on stuff in the oven a ten minute process as you wait for them to de-fog so you can see what the hell is going on in there.
Just what I wanted - an opaque lens to try and see through.
Reason 8:  They are always in the way
They are all up in your business, but you can't tell them to get off your face because you need them to see. You have to take them off to brush your hair, but then you can't see what it looks like as you brush.
So how does it look?
Reason 9:  You can't wear them in the shower
I cannot see to shave my wookie hair without contacts or glasses, and glasses can't go in the shower. Do I remain a wookie or do I just go for it and hope for the best?
What? Did I miss a spot?
Reason 10:  Blind searching
Most of the time, my glasses are in their case in my purse (in case of a contact lens emergency). But when I wear them, I will take them off to read something and then I can't find them again. How the hell am I supposed to find them if I can’t see? So, I crawl around pressing my face up against surfaces, walk around with my hands outstretched, tap surfaces, and hope to feel them, because there’s no chance in hell that I’ll see them.
Shit. Now where did I put them...
Reason 11: Precipitation
This is a bonus reason. You bought ten reasons, and you get this one free. Now that is a deal! 

Anyway, precipitation. The day after I started wearing these fuckers, it starts raining. It rained all weekend in fact. Most of my weekend was spent wiping water off my lenses and then getting pissed off that they were smudgy and streaked and then having them get all wet again anyway.
Also, here in New England the rain isn't just rain. Mother Nature is a gigantic bitch with the weather here, and she is actively trying to give you hypothermia every time it rains, even in the summer. So the rain is very cold, but your face is warm and now you are back to reason seven with the fogging...

This stye better go away soon or I am going to stab something...I say something, because chances are I won't be able to see what it is.


Charleen said...

Yeah, glasses pretty much suck. Reasons 2, 6, and 7 are probably my biggest issues. And #1, sort of, but for a different reason. My prescription is fine. But I hate how I can see the edge of my glasses, so if I want to just glance at something out of the corner of my eye, I can't, I have to turn my whole head, so what I'm trying to look at isn't outside my frame of vision. Well, and I also kind of suck at cleaning my glasses. (That's another reason! You don't have to clean contacts! Well, yeah I guess you sort of do... but it's different...) So even though my vision is clear, I've got spots everywhere. The funny thing is that sometimes when I can see I should clean them, but I'm too lazy to... eventually I'll just get used to the spots and forget. Then I'll go back to contacts for a while, and then the next time I put my glasses on, it's like, "Holy crap, how did I see out of these things before?"

Wow, this is a really long comment.

Melissa Bloechl said...

Yes! The edges suck too. They are oddly shiny and for the first couple of days I kept looking to the side because I thought I saw something but it was only the edge. And the full head turn bothers me too. Where before I could just glance over to see who is calling me, I now have to interrupt what I am doing, turn fully, and then look.

I also suck at cleaning my glasses. Seriously, they never stay clean. Although this pair is the best I've had for staying clean because they have that Crizol coating that repels dust and gunk and it seems to be working. But they are still dirty and it doesn't prevent my face oils from smudging all over the place.

I miss my contacts. So. Much. WAAAAAAAA!!!!

Melanie Burger said...

The onion argument is a killer. I never realized how much my contacts were protecting me until the night I decided to cook with my glasses on. I don't understand how people use onions, ever, if they don't wear contacts. That shit hurts!

Melissa Bloechl said...

With onions, mine sting and water so much I can't see. Which isn't encouraged if you are cutting things with a sharp knife.

Supposedly some people put the onions in the freezer for 10 minutes first and that helps, but I would forget about them and then I would have frozen onions.

Audra said...

I....I think I love you. I could never have put into words as eloquently as this all my reasons for despising my glasses. Problem is, my contacts are uncomfortable and my doc is a douche and I am waiting until I can go back and order a different brand of contacts so I can't feel them rolling around my eyeball. ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE, my glasses hide my sleepy under eye circles. Woohoo.

Melissa Bloechl said...

It's okay, embrace your love. I love you too.

My eye doctor is a douche too. I've got to find a new one but there aren't too many around here. Also, my insurance only allows one visit per year, so I have to wait until next spring to make an appointment with anyone new. Blegh.

The eye circle cover IS awesome though. Mine do the same and it is sweet.

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