Thursday, October 31, 2013

Happy Shit - Halloween 2013 Edition

Greetings all and Happy Halloween! I figured I would just post today so I could do my Halloween themed post and happy shit all at once...goddamn multitasking, people.

We were allowed to wear our costumes to work today, but I didn't want to be the only one wearing one, so I brought it with me instead. Apparently everyone here hates fun because I haven't seen a single person in costume. There isn't even any candy hanging around! WTF?!
Do these people hate joy AND sugar?!
For the past couple of years, there have been lots of people that have worn costumes at the office, but the main instigators of this trend both retired earlier this year. Maybe if I get brave or decide I don't give a shit, I will change into my costume later this afternoon. But once the wig is on, it ain't coming off.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Keep moving, asshole.
Fun Halloween fact of the day:  Trick-or-treating evolved from the ancient Celtic tradition of putting out treats and food to placate spirits who roamed the streets at Samhain, a sacred festival that marked the end of the Celtic calendar year. However, medieval Christianity didn't hold with the pagan traditions and instead adapted them into “souling,” in which children and the poor would go door-to-door offering songs and prayers for the dead in exchange for soul cakes. It was believed that for each cake eaten, a soul would be freed from Purgatory.
If you are too lazy pray Aunt Ethel out of Purgatory, give some cakes to a poor person!
And now Halloween happy shit!

First some NH local news. These teenagers took a fucking tractor for a joyride.
Bitches be like,"Hey baby! I love your tractor!"
And it wouldn't be Halloween without hearing this song at least once. Or a thousand times.
You're welcome.
And this song.
Again, you're welcome.
And then these squirrels were nice enough to carve a pumpkin for this guy.
This will be a masterpiece.
Taylor Davis playing Hedwig's Theme.

Peter Hollens and the Gardiner Sisters do an acapella pirate melody.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me...
This creepy rendition of Little Miss Muffet makeup.
GAH! she turning INTO a spider?!
And this pretty awesome punk makeup, complete with faux-hawk.
In case you ever wanted to sew your mouth shut, here is a stitched mouth tutorial.
It looks all infected and shit too. Sweeeet.
And this really creepy face within a face makeup.
It..It's looking at me. Make it stop.
And here's how to make alien prosthetics and crown, and do the makeup.
That is a pretty sweet look.
And these personifications of the seven deadly sins are pretty creepy: Sloth, Greed, Lust, Pride, Wrath, Envy, and Gluttony.
Look at that bullshit. If I had six willing participants, I would totally go to a party in a group costume. I CALL WRATH!
And The Slender Man run.
And because I think we all need something to get Slender Man out of our heads, here is Teddy the adorable porcupine enjoying a tiny pumpkin.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Happy Shit – The Non-Friday Edition

Sorry about the radio silence for the past couple of weeks, but if I wasn't at work, I was at home working on our Halloween costumes. But good news, everyone: The are DONE! And we finished them in time for the party yesterday! Just barely, but still...Are you guys ready for this?
They both took forever to put together. The sewing, the painting, and making that damn latex mask to stick to his face so he wouldn't have to wear the kind that is held on with elastic and cuts into you. It is not hard to make (if you want to make your own, here is a link to the instructional video), it is just EXCEPTIONALLY time consuming. And messy. And stinky.
If you have never worked with this stuff, holy shitballs it stinks. Make sure to work in a well ventilated area if you value your brain cells.
Fun fact of the week until this Friday when there will be another fun fact: October comes from the Latin word "octo" which means eight. In ancient Roman calendar, October was the eighth month of the year. When the Gregorian calendar was adopted in 1582, it became the tenth month of the year.

What do you mean the number for October is "10" means eight! WTF.
Anyway, I'm going to do happy shit because I haven't done it in a couple of weeks now. Also, this Friday I am going to try to have Halloween themed happy shit. WOO for seasonal holiday relevance!

Construction workers react to Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball."
"You don't get to lick my sledgehammer! Only I get to lick my sledge hammer! And maybe Tommy..."
This gigantic bird photobombing a news program.
Am I in the shot?! Crap, sorry!
 Sugar-free gummi bears get a shitty review.
I am intrigued. Go on...
This bird mirroring the dance this guy does.
Shake that groove thing.
The Piano Guys put a piano on the Great Wall of China. Because of course they did.
No, it isn't a green screen.
This hand dinosaur saying rawr.

 Archer's cast in Top Gun music video.
Highway to the...DANGER ZONE!
This exceedingly creepy sweatshirt dance.
This site that photoshops in cats in place of bouquets that brides are throwing.
They are going to need so many band-aids when that cat lands.
This man riding a tiny bicycle.
A guinea pig playing basketball.
He's going to dunk! SQUEE!
This cat that is dumbfounded by a flushing toilet.
What manner of sorcery is THIS?!
I almost peed when I watched Bad Lip Reading: Game of Thrones Edition.
Dang it Petey! Don't ever call it a Renaissance Faire, alright?!
And this tortoise failing to make a love connection.
No. No! NO!!!
How to Sleep by Max NoSleeves.
This is also the face I make when I don't want to get up.
This guy in a wacky waving inflatable tube man costume just doing his thing.
Russian tampon commercial gets right to the point.
What? It is just two women swimming...
Anyone who had their window open on this train is having a bad day.
Train troll.
And this is the story of how Hogwarts was founded.
Oh...hey Salazar...
And that is it until this coming Friday!

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Love Letters

This is just a collection of love notes I would like to give out during the day.

Dear Neighbor with the Constantly Barking Dog, 
It is bad enough during the day, but must your dog bark like a fucktard at six in the morning? No, I'm not mad at the dog, I am mad at you for not teaching him to shut the fuck up.
<3 Me
Dear Road Construction Crews Behind My House,
Why are you always backing up your trucks? Is that their constant state of being? The beeping never fucking stops. FUCKING STOP IT.
<3 Me
"Shut the fuck up, Jerry."

Dear Garbage Guys,
Why do you block my driveway for ten fucking minutes while I am trying to leave for work? This is not productive.
<3 Me
"Um...Oh! I know! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!...Fuck, this is stupid."
Dear Road Paint Truck Guy,
Remember that time you tried to back up over my car even though I was clearly behind you and made sure to maintain correct distance from your vehicle specifically so you would be able to see me? I remember.
<3 Me
Dear Confused Guy at the Tollbooth,
There are only 3 lanes to choose from. Pick one, don't dart back and forth screwing everyone else up. Asshole.
<3 Me
Dear Slow Guy on the Highway,
If you can't even do the speed limit, why the hell are you in the fast lane? I've got places to be. It's like you WANT me to hate you.
<3 Me
Come on...3 MPH more and you'll be going the speed limit. You can do it.
Dear People in the Parking Lot at Work,
I regret to inform you that you park like an asshole. Next time you park, think to yourself,"Am I being an asshole?" before exiting your vehicle.
<3 Me
"Congrats, fucker! Now you need a bottle of lube to squeeze into your car!"
Dear On-the-road Sales Guy,
I am not IT support. I don't know why the Mac you HAD to have is frozen. Perhaps it has something to do with the 140 applications you have open that are all trying to run complex tasks simultaneously. And no, you can't send a 5 GB file to me via regular email.
<3 Me
Oh damn. Not the spinning rainbow pinwheel of death!
Dear Same On-the-road Sales Guy,
Why did you send me that 5 GB file when I just told you not to? Your file is not a special snowflake. There are NO exceptions to the 10 MB limit rule we have in place. Now you have locked up my email. WHY DO YOU DO THIS?
<3 Me
Dear Phantom Printer,
I don't know who you are or why you leave all of your printouts on my printer and never pick them up, but the bigger question is: Why are you specifically using my color copier to copy and print black and white pages of text when we literally have 30 other black and white printers in the building?
<3 Me
I will find you and I will bury your office in all the prints you have left on my machine.
Dear Manic Sports Guys of the Office,
You scare me on a deep level. I don't want you to go on a rampage, but please understand that I don't have time to Photoshop you into a picture of the Patriots winning the Super Bowl, the Red Sox winning the World Series, or the Bruins winning the Stanley Cup. Also, you might want to calm down when your team loses, otherwise I am pretty sure that throbby vein in your forehead is going to become its own sentient being, and just be filled with rage.
<3 Me
Dear Avid Bicyclist in the Office,
Please don't walk around in just your tiny spandex shorts. You have scarred the janitor and I for life. The janitor has said that he has even caught you walking around naked. Please, no. He came here from Brazil for a better life, man. Not to see your white ass traipsing around all balls-a-floppin'. There is not enough brain bleach in the world for that. It may be after normal work hours, but some people in the office work late and the attached factory is 24 hours. Think of your coworkers.
<3 Me

Thank you for your cooperation. <3 Me