Friday, March 29, 2013

Happy Shit – 3/29/13

Hello all!

It has been a short week for me as I had two doctor's appointments on Monday and therefore missed work (woo!); however, that means I had four days to do five days worth of work (boo...), so that really sucked. Fun fact I learned: women under 30 only have to get their lady parts checked ever three years now, so WOO-HOO!!! Also, here is an awesome picture of me a couple of hours after I got back from the eye doctor.
Because I totally don't look like I have a head injury...
I know a lot of you are celebrating Easter this weekend, and even though technically my Easter isn't until May because Greek Orthodox people have to be different, we are celebrating this weekend anyway because it is a pain in the ass for my family to get time off when no one believes your Easter is different.

See? We even add an extra crosses to our cross. Because more is...super...Jesus...?
Anyway, the fun fact of the week is Easter themed: The reason eggs are used as an Easter symbol is because originally Easter was a pagan holiday celebrating Ishtar, the goddess of fertility. An annual feast was held in her honor to celebrate the rebirth of nature after the soul sucking futility of winter, just after the first full moon of the Spring Equinox. The eggs are a symbol of Ishtar's fertility.
Presumably, eggs were introduced after "placenta hunts" failed to catch on.
I have been watching a lot of documentaries while I work lately, because I love them. Here is one of the more interesting ones I watched this week (There are 5 parts, and I think this link goes to the playlist...maybe...I don't fucking know, the internet hates me sometimes)
Education motherfuckers!
And happy shit! YAY!

Quadruplet babies all laughing at the same time.
It gets a little creepy when they are all in sync, yet it is still adorable.
This kid and his magical yo-yo skills.
Oh it's just a kid playing with a yo-yo...HOLY SHIT.
A young deer frolicking in a mud puddle.
What is it with kids and mud puddles?
Just kidding! I still jump in mud puddles! Only now I have to wash my own damn clothes so it isn't as fun.
My friend Gari the Capybara got a new pond to swim in after his owner (Melly) rudely tore out his old one without asking. Her excuse was that it was overrun with irises. Gari has a Facebook page and a blog, both of which are quite entertaining.
Ponds are for rolling, but so are flooded grassy areas.
Henri Le Chat Noir has a new Friskies commercial!
He looks so adorably unamused.
And this Cockatoo flipping the fuck out.
And this Amazon parrot singing Sponge Bob Squarepants.
Bitch! Shut the fuck up! This is MY jam!
And finally, here is Teddy the Porcupine wishing everyone a very happy Easter.

Happy Easter everyone! I hope you enjoy hunting symbols of fertility! Mine will be of the chocolate variety, because Cadbury Creme eggs are fucking delicious. And made with crack.
Also, the Monday after Easter, they are all on sale. It's like a sign from Jesus that I should eat them all and be fat.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Happy Shit – 3/22/13

Hello people! I have made it to the end of another week and I have to apologize AGAIN because I can't seem to keep a fucking blog schedule.
Sad panda is sad.
And fun fact of the week: It has been illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder in Maine since 1939.
We are fucking serious about this shit here in New England. Don't mess up our seafood with your shitty tomatoes.
And now a bunch of shit that made me happy this week! WOOOO!

First, this short video of Cheesecake the Capybara and the puppies she is raising as her own.
WARNING: This video contains fatal levels of cuteness.
And that leads me to Rocky Ridge Refuge, where Cheesecake and her fellow animals live. They have, like, ALL THE ANIMALS. Oh, also friend them on Facebook! You will get to see all of their cute pictures! It never fails to bring a smile to my face when I see their photos in my news feed.
Where else are you going to see a African Sulcata Tortoise named Crouton snuggling a puppy? WHERE?!
Keeping with the animal theme, I found out that people train and have service pets that are motherfucking MONKEYS.
Tell me that if you needed a service animal, you wouldn't want a motherfucking monkey. If you said you wouldn't, you are a fucking liar.
Continuing on, I rediscovered my love of "On A Boat" by The Lonely Island.
I'm on a boat motherfucker, don't you ever forget.
And this metal cover of "On A Boat", which I find hilarious.
I have been addicted to GIF mashups where they take funny GIFs and they add a song or noises to them to make them more hilarious. Like this one, or this one, and this one.
Like this needs more awesome, but they found a way. With song.
Step Fucking One: Adopt a firing position and make sure there are no fucking insurgents around. Nothing fucks up good coffee like fucking insurgents.
For those of you who don't know what Etsy is, good for you. It can have some amazing things on it. But sometimes, the products they are trying to sell are just not right. Like, seriously not right. All of those screw ups (known as Tragicrafting) are on Regretsy, which is hilariously awesome:
GAH! Edible baby heads?! Thanks for the nightmare fuel Regretsy.
And these music videos from a YouTube series called "The Guild" (the link is to the whole first season of the series). The show revolves around the lives of a gamers' online guild, The Knights of Good, who play countless hours of a fantasy MMORPG video game entitled The Game. Also, it stars Felicia Day and Wil Wheaton appears in season 3 as the head of a rival guild called the Axis of Anarchy. It is pretty sweet. And although these music videos have nothing to do with the plot of the series but they are entertaining in their own right. There are three: Do You Wanna Date My Avatar?, Game On, and I'm The One That's Cool.
Just like us on this blog, their love exists in virtual space.
The Grumpy Cat website. Because I love that fucking cat.
Tarter Sauce. She is my hero.
And lastly, Henri Le Chat Noir. I think I have shared his stuff before, but if not listen to his innermost thoughts as he experiences the torment that is life. Henri, Paw de Deux, Le Vet, L'Haunting, and The Worst Noël. He also did two of the most awesome Friskies commercials ever: commercial 1 and commercial 2 with two more to come.
Henri on scary Halloween costumes.
And that is it for this week. Again, I really apologize for not posting regularly. Life sucks donkey balls.
Yes, these are a real thing.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Happy Shit – 3/15/13

Happy end of the week guys! This week was still busy, but it didn't suck as much as previous weeks, so I am pretty stoked about that.

Fun story from my drive in this morning: I was on the highway, when I happen to glance over at the car next to me. I do a double take. This is what I see...
Waldo?! What the fucking shit?!
Reading a book? A BOOK?! How do you even fucking do that?! More importantly, WHY the hell would you WANT to do that? I like to enjoy my book reading experience, usually on a comfy surface with a cup of tea, not casually glance-reading while hurtling down the road at 75 mph. So thanks dude, for scaring the shit out of me AND make me question humanity, all before I had my coffee.

In other news, here is the fact of the week: The grizzly bear is the official state animal of California, but no grizzly bears have been seen there since 1922.
This is the picture that came up when I searched for "Grizzly Bears."
Now, happy shit!

Mother's Day was on March 10th in the UK (don't worry if you live in the US, ours isn't until May 12th), so Brad from World of Orange decided to share some lovely stories about his mom.
"All of my mum's favorite children are present...which is why my sister is not here."
And 50 State Stereotypes in two minutes.
New Hampshire: Half hippie, half French. All upper class.
(Caveat: All upper class...if you are near the seacoast
...and not in Seabrook...or certain areas of Hampton...)
And this video about our love/hate relationship with Facebook...
Because if you don't love me on Facebook, you don't love me in real life.
And this sweet cover of Imagine Dragons "Radioactive" (original video is here) by Lindsey Stirling and Pentatonics.
Does this video remind anyone else of Fallout?
This gallery of haunting underwater images by Andreas Franke (the models are photoshopped into underwater settings, but the gallery itself was submerged)
"Let's go for a walk in the ocean,"she said, "It'll be fun" she said.
Now my dress is soaked. Thanks bitch. Thanks.
This short video of a capybara named Dobbye jumping into a swimming pool. Dobbye is an entertaining capy with his own Facebook page and website. He has destroyed four pools by biting holes in the liners and poops on the floor in the kitchen when he doesn't get what he wants...but really don't we all?
I'm not going to jump in right away because that is what she wants me to do. I jump in on my terms.
And I know I have shared her stuff before, but seriously this woman can make herself look like ANYONE.
The many faces of Promise Phan.
First row: Beyonce, Adele, Angelina Jolie
Second row: Marilyn Monroe, Alena Shishkova, Scarlett Johansson
Third row: Lil Wayne, Taylor Swift, Michael Jackson

And now friends, let me introduce you to MOBA. MOBA is the Museum of Bad Art which I didn't even know was a thing until yesterday. Their motto is "Art too bad to be ignored." This place(s) is(are) SO going on my bucket list.
This piece is entitled "Dog." Yeah, it is that awesomely bad.
And that is it for this week! Happy St. Patrick's Day this weekend and see you next week :-)

Monday, March 11, 2013

Spring Forward

For those of you who don't have it, let me just tell you that Daylight Savings sucks ass. Especially the spring forward one. You are just starting to get a little extra energy because the sun is up longer and it isn't all shitty and grey all the time, then BAM! We change the clocks back and any energy you had is bitch-slapped so hard that it dies.
Thanks Count Rugen. You're a dick.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Most of the world doesn't observe this fuckery, so what the hell?
All the places in orange don't recognize DST anymore and the ones in red have never recognized it.

Who Do We Blame For This Bullshit?

Seriously, whoever thought this shit up should be punched repeatedly in the dick. Forever.
It was all of these ancient assholes. All of our ancestors were dicks.
Many ancient civilizations adjusted their schedules for the varying lengths of day throughout the year. Though not exactly like our present day DST, they created a precursor to our system in which the hours in a day got longer in the summer and shorter in the winter.
"Watch this! It's summer, so I'll make the day take FOREVER to pass. And if they complain, they get a lightening bolt in the ass."  – Zeus
The guy to think of the current system (though only in a broad sense) was Benjamin Franklin.
Founding Father, Inventor, Destroyer of Sleep.

He observed from a purely economic standpoint that many resources would be saved if everybody rose earlier in the summer and burned less "midnight oil."
This was when "midnight oil" required some dude named Ahab to battle a gigantic dick of a whale just to get some of its sweet blubber juice. All so you could put it in your lamp.
However, even though Ben thought some changing of time would be an effective way to save resources, he didn't know how to implement it. Especially since people in the 18th-century did not keep precise schedules.

Since good ol' Ben couldn't get his shit together and come up with a plan, it remained an idea until the late 1800's when George Vernon Hudson thought to himself,"Damn, I like having extra daylight hours to go collect bugs (seriously). I bet other people would like it too."
I like bugs and not letting people sleep.
William Willett heard of this new time/resource saving idea taking hold in New Zealand and was all,"Britain needs to be in on this shit!" He started lobbying the government, with the help of his friend (some dude named Winston Churchill).
William and Winston, lobbying to ruin your sleep since 1905.
The British government was hesitant, but in 1916, Germany was like,"Dude, we are at war with the whole goddamn world and we need to conserve some coal or we are going to run out of that shit. Let's play with time." The British and many other nations saw how well it worked and were like,"We're totally stealing your plan Germany! ROFLcopter! LOL!"
This means more hours in the day to kill and/or horribly disfigure other dudes with mustard gas and bullets! WHEEE!!
After WWI, the Russia and the US were like,"Britain won't shut up about it's new fucking time/resource saving plan, so let's just adopt that shit so they can't rub it in our face anymore." However, lots of European countries went back to the normal time system.
Because what good is it to save money when your economy makes it so all it is good for is toilet paper and kindling?
DST made a resurgence during WWII, but was widely abandoned afterwards. It finally became a permanent part of most US states' laws during the 1970's energy crisis.

And yes, I said MOST states. The federal government doesn't require US states or territories to observe daylight saving time, which is why residents of Arizona, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, American Samoa, Guam, and the Northern Marianas Islands didn't need to change their clocks this past weekend. Those bastards.

It Makes Bad Shit Happen

If you made it into work this morning without being molested by other drivers, congratulations. Statistically, the day after daylight savings is one of the worst days (in terms of safety) to be on the road.
Oh, goddammit. I haven't even left the house yet.
The "spring forward" is much worse than the "fall back" in terms of casualties. Transportation officials can set their watch to a statistical spike in fatal car accidents the Monday following the spring forward.
Hmm, what's on the calendar for today? Dentist at 8, Meeting at 10,
oh and Spring Forward: Prepare for Apocalypse. Sounds like a busy day!
However, this shittastic trend doesn't just affect the commutes, it affects EVERYTHING. There are more serious work related accidents, our sleep is disrupted, there is an increased risk of heart attack, Wall Street tanks, decreased productivity, an increasing susceptibility to illness, we are just fucking  tired.

In my opinion, our circadian body clocks are set by light and darkness, so we never truly adjust to gaining an "extra" hour of sunlight. Why endanger ourselves?
Fuck it. Let's all go to Hawaii.