Friday, December 21, 2012

Happy Shit – 12/21/12

This was the longest week in the history of ever. I am officially on vacation today at 1:30pm and I can't fucking wait. Guess what I will be doing? Lots of nothing! Then painting my kitchen and my dining room. And then more nothing! It's going to be awesome.

Fun fact of the week: Female koala bears have two vaginas and male koala bears have a bifurcated (forked) penis.
Haha, now all you can think about is its penises. Pervert.
First and foremost, I went to the movie theater and saw The Hobbit, which is a huge deal for me because I haven't gone in years due to anxiety and the constant threat of panic attacks. Well, I fucking made it! And the movie was good! And (best part) no panic attacks AT ALL! YAY ME!
LOOK! I'm still alive! But very tired!
Kind of related to the whole Hobbit thing: I love that the viking and dwarf hats on Etsy keep getting more elaborate every year.
It says,"I want to pillage," but in a stately and elegant way.
I got an early Christmas present from David (even though we don't usually get each other presents). It is a sonic screwdriver flashlight! SONIC. SCREWDRIVER. FLASHLIGHT.
Mine is the one on the right, as I like the 10th doctor more than the 11th.
Just my preference, I still love the current doctor and the 9th doctor.
While we are on the subject of Doctor Who, here is the former cast singing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas."
No sonic screwdriver is going to fix the tuning here.
If cats were on Pinterest absolutely cracked me up.
The fancier the dress the better the bed will be!
For those of you who have been sick: First, stay the hell away from me. Second, here are some tips for how to keep it together at work while you are all cracked out on cold medicine.
And then you faceplant your keyboard from expending all that effort to look aware.
Here is NASA's take on today's threat of apocalypse.
You believe the world is going to end today? Well...Aren't you just a special kind of stupid!
The fact that this hotel exists intrigues and scares me. Also, the fact that the news here in NH felt that it needed to report its existence still baffles me.
Take a good long look. Yup, that is where poop comes from.
 You know you should give up your life as a desperate drug mule when this happens.
Guess where these were found.
What the hell is wrong with the world when cats are eating more expensive food than me?
"Pet owners excited over results"?
Um, no. Those pet owners have lost their goddamn minds.
For those of you who just want to see hilarious GIFs of cats all day, here is the site for you.
That cat is going to shit on everything you own when he lands.
Another Neil Patrick Harris puppet thing entitled "To Catch a Puppeteer." It is pretty creepy and wrong.
He wants to put his hand in a puppet. Aw yeah.
Finally! Someone tells me what happens to boiling water if you throw it outside in a Russian winter!
No worries, it is only -41 goddamn degrees outside.
He is referring to -41 Celsius. The conversion is -41.8 degrees Fahrenheit,
AKA pretty fucking cold.
If I had to picture what Fruit Ninja would be like if it existed in real life, this is what I would picture.
That horse is like,"What the fuck did I do to deserve this?"
I know I already told you to watch The Piano Guys, but this a pretty epic version of Rudolph.
What the fuck is this madness?!
I squeed so hard when I watched this rendition of Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas song. Sung by guinea pigs.
And finally in keeping with the spirit of the season and trying to remind you that not everyone has gone batshit insane, I bring you 26 moments that will restore your faith in humanity.
Most considerate parents ever?
And that is it for this week! I may or may not post on Monday, it depends on how busy I get. Hopefully I will get a chance to write and proof-read this weekend...If I don't post on Monday, have a lovely holiday (if you celebrate, if not, have a lovely day regardless)!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Commuting 2: More Assholes

I have bitched about some of the types of drivers I commute with on a regular basis before. I figured today I would add a few more to the list. Mostly because I am fucking freezing in my office and I can't think of anything intelligent to write about.
It's colder than Frosty's asshole in here.
*All diagrams are made in accordance with driving on the left. People who drive on the right, adjust accordingly.

The Backseat Driver

Ah, the backseat driver. Always up in your business telling you to go faster. And no I am not talking about that asshole in your morning carpool who acts like everyone's dick of a Driver's Ed teacher from high school. I am talking about the douchecanoe who won't peel himself off of your back bumper. For ANY reason. Rain? Nope. Ice? Fuck that shit. It is like they want to be right in your backseat, chilling with you, so they are going to get as close as they possibly can.
Probably because they want to be a part of my kick-ass vehicular sing and dance party.
How to know if it is happening to you:
Where it occurs: Anywhere and everywhere
Characteristics: They always act like you are going way too slow and just want you to pull over so they can go be an asshole to someone else.
Alternate names: Trunk Wart, Bumper Tumor, Tailgater, Ass-Sniffer
Warnings: They especially love to strike in stop and go situations because clearly that will make everyone move faster and not slower and more nervous of their proximity. 

The Synchronized Swimmers

Ugh, these people are collectively a gigantic bag of dicks. They line up and match speed with the car in the lane next to them. Then the guy in the lane next to them matches that car's pace. Pretty soon you have a line of of synchronized fucktards all the way across all the lanes of the highway that is both impenetrable and unpassable. And inexplicably they are always going under the speed limit.
Yeah, you guys are the goddamn Blue Angels of the highway.
Now, get the fuck out of the way.
How to know if it is happening to you:
Where it occurs: Multi-lane roads
Characteristics: A line of cars across all lanes going the same speed, making an impenetrable wall of suckage.
Warnings: They love to strike when you are running late. In fact, I would say they live for those moments.

The Weaving Giant

On my commute, I have to get on a big ass highway called I-95. For those of you who may not be familiar with that highway, it is the main thoroughfare that connects the entire Eastern seaboard, from Maine all the way to Florida. 
It is the red one.
Because it is such a major artery, I often encounter "wide loads" that take up 2 of the 4 available lanes. Sometimes they are carrying pre-fab houses, other times they are pieces to gigantic windmills, or huge fucking pine trees. Regardless, these guys usually stick to the right side of the road and you can easily get around them in the other two available lanes.

The particular problem I have is when they DON'T stay in their lane. Occasionally, I will encounter one that wants to change lanes like he is in a tiny sports car instead of a gigantic truck with a house on the back of it. Right lanes, middle lanes, left lanes, all the way over to the right again...
What do you mean you want to be in the left lane?! You were just fucking there!
How to know if it is happening to you:
Where it occurs: Multi-lane roads that can handle "wide load" traffic.
Characteristics: A tractor trailer carrying a ridiculously gigantic load tries to live out its Fast and Furious dreams.
Warnings: That is one big-ass vehicle to be whipping around, so be careful and maintain your distance. Passing may be possible, but proceed with caution.

The Absentminded Professor

This one might just be an OCD thing for me, but I fucking hate when someone leaves their blinker on.
I will stab you.
They turn on the road and you get a tiny bit of fuzzy satisfaction because they used their blinker and didn't cut you off. Then they stomp all over that fuzzy feeling by letting their the blinker just keep on blinking. Forever.
How to know if it is happening to you:
Where it occurs: Anywhere.
Characteristics: Fucking. Blinker. Won't. Stop. GAAAAAAAH!!!
Warnings: You will want to stab them, but you can't because we both know you are too pretty for prison.

I will probably keep coming up with these because people are forever coming up with new ways to annoy me, on the road and off.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Happy Shit – 12/14/12

Hi all. I barely survived this week because work was dumb. I need a nap.

Random fact of the day: A chipmunk can store about a teaspoon worth of food in each cheek.
Hiya. I have two teaspoons of deliciousness in here and it is all for me!
And now, shit that made me happy this week:

I love Tolkien AND Martin Freeman. This movie might break my mind with awesomeness.
Ahem...anyway...continuing with my list:

The friendship of Tara and Bella. It made me cry because it is such a moving, unusual friendship.
"Pet my my entire tummy all at once Tara!" – Bella the Dog
Because it is almost Christmas, I will share with you one of my most favorite Christmas songs by Jonathan Coulton. There is enslavement, forced labor, and robot overlords...uh, I mean Protectors...
Festive Doom!
And that video led me to another song I love by the same guy called Todd the T1000.
He is making a fist, one finger at a time...
And that led me to another video for Valerie: the song "RE: Your Brains" (also by the same guy).
Pretty much, Jonathan Coulton is awesome and you should check out all of his shit.
Zombie mantra.
And for those of you who haven't seen it, here is Breaking the Barrier.
Oh hell no, you stinky-ass motherfucker. YOU WILL PAY.
Where are my beans?!
Puppets and Neil Patrick Harris: Valerie, this isn't the same one that you shared. THEY MADE MORE. Fuck yeah! Also, Neil Patrick Harris is the shit. If you say he isn't, you are objectively wrong and someone will be by your house shortly to punch you in the face.
I can't eat this! It's beaver! I don't eat beaver...
Then we have a bunch of wonderful feelings from Max No Sleeves.
New book smell: WONDERFUL.
This totally kick-ass "Theme from Rohan" that was made for The Lord of the Rings Online for their new Riders of Rohan expansion. So pretty...
Shhh. It's Lord of the Rings...bask in the awesomeness.
This page that has 28 pictures of cute animals dressed up for Christmas.
I look fucking ridiculous. Ridiculously ADORABLE.
This dude discusses taxidermy and the preservation of humans. It is worth watching just to see the goat bagpipe. GOAT BAGPIPE, you guys!
Let me play you the song of my people. HWRENK!
The most adorable booby defense system ever. 
GAH! Tits with claws?! That's just unnatural!
And finally, this picture just made me squee.
I'm all tucked in. Give me a carrot and read me a story.
And that is it for this week. See you all on Monday, where I am sure to be bitching about something.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Holiday Festivities

So, we haven't really had a good conversation in a while because of all the shit going down in my life lately.
Yup, that right there is where shit goes down.
So, how are you? What are you planning to do for whatever seasonal holiday you happen to celebrate this time of year? What do you plan to do if you don't have a seasonal holiday to celebrate, but still get the time off? Here, I will answer first to get the ball rolling:

  1. I'm doing okay, but I really need less work and more sleep or I am going to be a zombie for Christmas.
  2. I celebrate Christmas, and I have a metric fuck-ton of people to see. My family, my husband's family, our extended family...So. Many. People. 
  3. If I had no holiday to celebrate, I would sleep and then make a gigantic feast just because I could. With loads of mashed potatoes. And carrots. And brown n' serve rolls. And pie. And cookies.
And spiral ham, because delicious.

I think I am going to keep with the Christmas theme today and talk about holiday office parties and how much they suck. Why do they suck? Let me take you through this bullshit...

Parties. With an "-ies" not a "y".
I don't know about your office, but the one I currently work in has three goddamn parties this year because people in different departments can't get together and plan just one. The first of this holiday clusterfuck is this Wednesday, then there is one this Thursday, and the final one is on the 21st.
Just fucking pick a day. Jesus Christ...
What's the big deal? Just go to the one for your department and stop bitching, right? WRONG. A good portion of other people who are cross-departmental are required to be at ALL of them. And that lovely little group includes me.

Why is that? First and foremost, it is because I take photos because apparently no one can work a camera but me. Secondly, no one really wants to claim the graphic designer is in their department because no one really knows what I do. No one want to be responsible for all the witchcraft and jiggery-pokery my job entails.
"Hang on guys...I'm summoning Satan. Uh, I mean....making a poster." 
Pot Luck - Required
What the fucking fuck is THAT supposed to mean?

Please allow me to clarify: it means make something/bring something, or your ass will be in a chair in HR to talk about why you aren't being a "team player". The participation level in the past has been less than stellar (i.e. - two or three people) and instead of thinking, "Hey, maybe it is because there are too many parties and people can't afford to bring something to every party..." they just determined that they needed to force participation instead, because that is fun for everyone.
"Merry Christmas, bitches" – <3 The HR Department
Secret Santa
I would like to say thanks to all the deities in existence for NOT having a Secret Santa this year. Last year, it was required just like the pot luck. And I always get stuck having to get a present for the greasy, fat dude...
Do they think I am made of money and ideas for ALL the greasy, fat dudes?
Bosses and Co-workers
While attending all of these parties, you are supposed to let go the fact that you are co-workers and just be friends. All in all, how many jobs include co-workers that you could also consider friends? I used to have that at a previous job, but that is the exception and not the rule. Here, I have co-workers that are okay, fewer that I actually like, and even fewer that I would hang out with as a friend.

So they take that dynamic, stuff it into a small space with weird food and not enough chairs, and expect you to awkwardly make chit-chat with the boss that has made your life a living hell, the strange dude in the cubical down the hall who you are pretty sure has a collection of boogers under his desk, and the "Happy Hannah" of the office who is always WAY too pumped about everything. Including Mondays.
Above: Actual conversation from a work party.
I am grateful that it takes up an hour or two of my workday, but with the amount of work on my plate I would really rather have the work time and just attend one awkward affair per holiday season.
With the added bonus of my social awkwardness and anxiety, this holiday season should be LOADS of fun.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Happy Shit – 12/7/12

Welcome to the end of another week.

There are 18 shopping days left until Christmas, so panic now if you aren't done with your shopping. I'm not done because I have three people on my list that are impossible to buy for.
They are going to end up with this if they don't come up with some ideas.
Fun fact of the day: Flamingos are pink because of the amount of shrimp they consume.
Check it dude! My ass smells like shrimp too!
And here is the happy shit for this week:

This dude had his face blown off and these doctors gave him a new one.
We called this press conference to see if all of you realize how awesome we are.
If you are feeling a little down, here are 19 people who are having a worse day than you. Number 5 is my favorite.
"Ok, you can do this Stefan. HERE WE GO!"
"Holy shit! I can fly motherfuckers!!! Oh shit..."
This is the most awesome cello duel ever by The Piano Guys. They have lightsaber bows. LIGHTSABER. BOWS.
And Vader rocks out on the accordion. Aw yeah.
Also by The Piano Guys, is this beautiful version of "O Come, Emmanuel" just in time for the Christmas season.
I <3 the cello.
Also, any classical music.
And this version they did of One Direction's "What makes you Beautiful" know what? Just check out all the shit by The Piano Guys. It is awesome.
That's five dudes playing one piano, my friends.
The Bloggess shared via her Facebook on Monday and I almost peed. If you are easily offended just ignore this one...also, why are you here of all places if you are easily offended?!
False, sir. We all know it is kitten videos.
We all know regular gingerbread men and houses are just too mainstream for cool people like us. That is why there are these!
Damn you, red shirt! DAMN YOU!
The opening and closing sequences on this video are AWESOME.
Let your butt be your paintbrush.
I posted this earlier this week on my Facebook, but I still love the message so I am sharing it again.
I wish I had an awesome quiet place like this.
I loved the show Gummi Bears as a kid, so this is awesome. You go, Alicia Keys. You go.
It is important to celebrate diversity. So here is a guide to how different age groups celebrate Christmas by the Oatmeal.
Yeah...that was awesome. I miss that.
This Luvs commercial just makes me laugh hysterically.
Eyes are up here, dude.
And of course, Simon's Cat in "Icecapade".
Dammit! What happened to the water?!
And that is it for this week. I, for one, am glad it is almost over. My plans for the weekend include sleeping, napping and lollygagging.