Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Commuting 2: More Assholes

I have bitched about some of the types of drivers I commute with on a regular basis before. I figured today I would add a few more to the list. Mostly because I am fucking freezing in my office and I can't think of anything intelligent to write about.
It's colder than Frosty's asshole in here.
*All diagrams are made in accordance with driving on the left. People who drive on the right, adjust accordingly.

The Backseat Driver

Ah, the backseat driver. Always up in your business telling you to go faster. And no I am not talking about that asshole in your morning carpool who acts like everyone's dick of a Driver's Ed teacher from high school. I am talking about the douchecanoe who won't peel himself off of your back bumper. For ANY reason. Rain? Nope. Ice? Fuck that shit. It is like they want to be right in your backseat, chilling with you, so they are going to get as close as they possibly can.
Probably because they want to be a part of my kick-ass vehicular sing and dance party.
How to know if it is happening to you:
Where it occurs: Anywhere and everywhere
Characteristics: They always act like you are going way too slow and just want you to pull over so they can go be an asshole to someone else.
Alternate names: Trunk Wart, Bumper Tumor, Tailgater, Ass-Sniffer
Warnings: They especially love to strike in stop and go situations because clearly that will make everyone move faster and not slower and more nervous of their proximity. 

The Synchronized Swimmers

Ugh, these people are collectively a gigantic bag of dicks. They line up and match speed with the car in the lane next to them. Then the guy in the lane next to them matches that car's pace. Pretty soon you have a line of of synchronized fucktards all the way across all the lanes of the highway that is both impenetrable and unpassable. And inexplicably they are always going under the speed limit.
Yeah, you guys are the goddamn Blue Angels of the highway.
Now, get the fuck out of the way.
How to know if it is happening to you:
Where it occurs: Multi-lane roads
Characteristics: A line of cars across all lanes going the same speed, making an impenetrable wall of suckage.
Warnings: They love to strike when you are running late. In fact, I would say they live for those moments.

The Weaving Giant

On my commute, I have to get on a big ass highway called I-95. For those of you who may not be familiar with that highway, it is the main thoroughfare that connects the entire Eastern seaboard, from Maine all the way to Florida. 
It is the red one.
Because it is such a major artery, I often encounter "wide loads" that take up 2 of the 4 available lanes. Sometimes they are carrying pre-fab houses, other times they are pieces to gigantic windmills, or huge fucking pine trees. Regardless, these guys usually stick to the right side of the road and you can easily get around them in the other two available lanes.

The particular problem I have is when they DON'T stay in their lane. Occasionally, I will encounter one that wants to change lanes like he is in a tiny sports car instead of a gigantic truck with a house on the back of it. Right lanes, middle lanes, left lanes, all the way over to the right again...
What do you mean you want to be in the left lane?! You were just fucking there!
How to know if it is happening to you:
Where it occurs: Multi-lane roads that can handle "wide load" traffic.
Characteristics: A tractor trailer carrying a ridiculously gigantic load tries to live out its Fast and Furious dreams.
Warnings: That is one big-ass vehicle to be whipping around, so be careful and maintain your distance. Passing may be possible, but proceed with caution.

The Absentminded Professor

This one might just be an OCD thing for me, but I fucking hate when someone leaves their blinker on.
I will stab you.
They turn on the road and you get a tiny bit of fuzzy satisfaction because they used their blinker and didn't cut you off. Then they stomp all over that fuzzy feeling by letting their the blinker just keep on blinking. Forever.
How to know if it is happening to you:
Where it occurs: Anywhere.
Characteristics: Fucking. Blinker. Won't. Stop. GAAAAAAAH!!!
Warnings: You will want to stab them, but you can't because we both know you are too pretty for prison.

I will probably keep coming up with these because people are forever coming up with new ways to annoy me, on the road and off.


squashculls said...

I love it all. Too pretty for prison is right! Anyway my favorite is the guy who leaves the left blinker on when they are in the leftmost lane. They really want to go into oncoming traffic or something.

Amber Holt said...

Please include in your next round, the asshat that rides your ass to pass you then slows down to the actual speed limit. Oh and also the one who OMG I HAVE TO GET AROUND THIS CAR.. Oh wait there's my exit Exits quickly.
My interstate (I-24) is just in the back woods of KY/TN but I feel your pain

Amber Holt said...

Oh, also why is it so cold in the office?

Valerie said...

I CAN'T STAND WHEN PEOPLE LEAVE THEIR BLINKERS ON!! I always have to speed up and pass them because I can't stand looking at it!!



Melissa Bloechl said...

Squashculls: Oh holy shit, that guy. I want to punch that guy in the face...stupid wrong blinker...

Amber Holt: Fuck that guy. Seriously. I HATE those guys with the fiery vengeance of a thousand suns. And the office is cold because the heating is all screwed up in the building. Upstairs is a sauna, but only if you aren't facing the front of the building. It is messed up. I'm going to have to invest in some hobo gloves so I can still type but keep the feeling in my hands at the same time.

Valerie: I know! WHY DO THEY DO THAT? Can't they hear it going "tick-tock-tick-tock"? I pass them too if I can, but then it mocks me in my rearview mirror.

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