Monday, November 5, 2012

Commuting Skills

Commuting in general sucks ass; however, I think the day after daylight savings people somehow think mistake it for an intense course in Mario Kart.
Fuck you, blue shell...
All the assholes ever are out and ready to show you their best moves. Here are just some of the lovely skill sets I observed out there on the road this morning.

*All diagrams are made in accordance with driving on the left. People who drive on the right, adjust accordingly.

The Casual Lane Changer
You are just riding along and there is a dude beside you. Everything is fine until you realize that you are very slowly being pushed into the breakdown lane. They managed to edge you over so slowly and over such a long period of time/distance, you just don't notice their cunning plan until they are all up in your business. 
How to know if it is happening to you:
Where it occurs: Anywhere there are multiple lanes or a merge
Characteristics: They always act like it was your fault for occupying the space they wanted and they never use their blinker, because that would give you insight into their cunning plan.
Warnings: They love to strike in merging situations, so be wary.
Fool! You will suspect nothing until it is too late!
The Befuddled Floater
I love this one. The guy ahead of you is experiencing an existential crisis and can't decide what lane to be in, so he stays in both. You know, just to be safe. Either that or he thinks the yellow line is there as a guide in the road that you have to keep your car centered on.
I choose...ALL OF THE LANES!
How to know if it is happening to you:
Where it occurs: Anywhere there are multiple lanes, a merge, or a split in the road where you have to choose to go one way or another
Characteristics: Undecided wavering, riding centered on the line between lanes
Warnings: Look out for last minute decisions. Once they make up their mind, there is no stopping them from reaching their goal, even if they have to cut you off and then ramp something to achieve it.
They will ramp that shit like they are in the General Lee.
The Vigilante
The Vigilante can strike in a multitude of ways, but one of my absolute favorites is the "Speed Trap" Vigilante. This guy can't stand that you are going fast in the fast lane, so he pulls out in front of you and because of other cars you are effectively trapped behind him. He then proceeds to do the speed limit just to enforce his law. 
Sweet, sweet street justice. Vengeance is mine!
How to know if it is happening to you:
Where it occurs: Multiple lane highways
Characteristics: You are cut off so the assailant can go the same speed as the slow lane, thus ensuring that you are trapped.

The E-Brake
I hate these people with the fiery vengeance of a thousand suns. You are just going along like normal and then they jack on their brakes for no goddamn reason. There is no fuzzy animal to save, no car that cut them off, no hidden cop that came into view – nothing.
Unexpectedly thick air could happen to you!
How to know if it is happening to you:
Where it occurs: Anywhere
Characteristics: Sudden, yet forceful application of the brake causing you to A) contemplate peeing yourself, and B) hope that you don't hit the bag of dicks in front of you, or C) get rear-ended by the unsuspecting dude behind you.
Warnings: These guys love to stop just over the rise on small hills or bridges, or just out of sight around a curve.

Constant vigilance people!
The Invisible Ninja
You are driving along and you can kind of see a guy hovering mostly in your blind spot and he just stays there. Forever. If you speed up or slow down, he will match your pace. This guy is more of an annoyance until you have to change lanes. Then he becomes a royal pain in the ass.
"I AM THE BAT." – Invisible Ninja Guy

How to know if it is happening to you:
Where it occurs: Anywhere there are multiple lanes
Characteristics: Matching speed with you and hanging out in just the wrong place

Beware my friends.


squashculls said...

Yes on all accounts. The casual lane changer is so common here I forget that it's not legal.

Charleen said...

Roughly once a month my husband and I make the 6-hour round trip to visit our hometown for the weekend, since both our families and most of our close friends are there. All of these things happen to us at least once on the journey. Usually more than once.

Also, the guy on the 2-lane highway (always a pickup or an SUV) who gets pissed off that you passed him in your little blue car, so he passes you back, and then proceeds to slow down to about 5mph below what you were doing WHICH IS WHY YOU PASSED HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE! GAH!

Melissa Bloechl said...

These are all pretty common, but they seemed worse today for some reason. I am attributing it to the time change.

Charleen: HOLY SHIT YES! Those are the "In Denial Slowpokes" They go slow until you want to pass, then they have to prove to you that they aren't slow by speeding up. Woo...fucking assholes...

Valerie said...

I had someone choose all the lanes on me yesterday... If I had the powers of Magneto I would have launched him and his shitty car into the sun.

Love the diagrams!



Melissa Bloechl said...

I could not be trusted with mutant powers. But that doesn't mean I don't still want them. :-D

The diagrams are what happens when I am bored at work with access to expensive drawing programs...

Audra said...

"The Befuddled Floater" can also be aptly named "Drunk as Fuck".

Melissa Bloechl said...

That is true. The "Befuddled Floater" can take many forms, but usually I see "Old as Fuck" or "Just Got Licence" or "Bitch is Doing Her Hair and Makeup"...

Charleen said...

Re: mutant powers, I usually wish for laser eyes, with which I would give insta-flat tires to everyone who pisses me off while driving. C'mon, people, driving is NOT that hard!

Although, then I'd have to be careful of stuff getting the way of my laser line-of-sight. So maybe a Magneto-like power, but with rubber instead of metal. Then I could just shred their tires with my mind.

Melissa Bloechl said...

Charleen: So you want to be Cyclopes from X-men? That would be pretty awesome. Although, you are correct, if stuff got in the way then something bad happens and people yell and it is just a mess. I'm still sticking to Magneto's metal powers. Unless I can be Wolverine. Then I will totally be Wolverine. Because WOLVERINE.

Charleen said...

Well I figure blowing a hole through a tire is a less obvious way to get the crazy drivers off the road than mentally picking up their car and throwing it. Although there's plenty of times I wish I could do that.

Melissa Bloechl said...

Well you don't have to throw them. You could just disable part of their engine with you magnetic mind powers. Clearly I have given this too much thought...

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