Friday, April 26, 2013

Happy Shit – 4/26/13

Hello all! I hope you had a good week. I have been tired as hell all goddamn week. But i did go out for sushi with some of my friends last night, which was fun. Then I went home and passed out on the couch.
Eat. Sleep. Work. Repeat. This has been my entire week.
Anyway, fun fact of the week: The original name of the city of Atlanta was "Terminus".
Terminus is Latin for "end of the line"...oh Atlanta, you can change your name, but never your destiny...
Bonus facts: Terminus is also a Roman deity who protected boundary markers, a Marvel Comics character, and the home planet of the Foundation in Isaac Asimov's Foundation novels.

And finally, HAPPY SHIT! YAY!

This magical article: 10 Ways to Be Happier According to Doctor Who.
"There's something here that doesn't make sense...Let's go poke it with a stick!" - The Doctor
This gif of a kangaroo who has had enough of your shit.
I can't stop laughing, even though that poor bastard filming this is going to literally get his ass kicked in about two seconds.
 This video called Men Explain: Eyelash Curlers.
Lara playing the theme song to Inspector Gadget. Lara has a lot of really cool other music too.
Go-go-gadget...THEME SONG!
Pixiwoo has reached 1 million subscribers! To celebrate, they turned Jamie Oliver into Madonna. And this video is his reaction when he sees the finished product.
This is lipstick? It looks like a personal facilitator...
Side note: I am totally going to start calling all vibrators "personal facilitators."
This gif of a dog minding his manners.
I. Am. A. DOG.
And Cosplay Piano: The Walking Dead and the Batman theme. The music is just amazing and the cosplay is very well done too...and the end of The Walking Dead one is awesome.
The Batman theme is from the 1990's Batman movies. Despite all of their cheesiness, the movies did have a bitchin' theme song.
And this gif of a dog composing a country song.
Pretty much sums up every country song ever.
And that is it! Have a good weekend, my friends.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Happy Shit – 4/19/13

Hi all and happy Friday!

It's been a pretty boring week at work for me, so nothing personal to update you guys on.
I did wear my new dress this week though! Isn't it cute?
Obviously I wore a sweater over it, because I didn't want to die of hypothermia.

Fun fact of the week: Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. president to have been born in a hospital.
First bitches!
Now it is happy shit time!

I love this Kmart ad that has been playing on YouTube this week:

I just shipped my bed!
I really love the Dove Real Women campaign. Here is one of their latest pieces and here is my favorite piece.
This isn't beauty. This is fake.
The new web series "Chatroom of Solitude" is hilarious. Here is the trailer, episode 1, and episode 2.
If Evil fucked Evil and had a baby? I'd fuck that baby! That's how evil I am!
For some reason, I can't stop laughing hysterically whenever I see this gif.
Thanks Gollum!
Holy shit, I think I've been using bobby pins wrong.
She just put up all of her hair. With ONE FUCKING BOBBY PIN.
Granted, I think she has thinner hair than mine...but still...
This page of 19 Worst Eyebrows makes me feel better about myself when I feel like I have let my own brows get too Muppety.
Sweet fancy Moses! Get her away from the Sharpies!
I can't remember if I shared this before, but I love the Vegan Black Metal Chef. I'm not even vegan, I just love the whole concept of the show.
The green beans lay on the altar, ready to be sacrificed to the metal gods.
 And this gif is just adorable.
What are you laughing at guys? Guys?
And that is it for this week! I hope you have a lovely weekend and I will hopefully see you all on Monday.

Monday, April 15, 2013

The Marathon

As many of you may know by now, there were two explosions at the finish line of the Boston Marathon today.

Not much is known for sure yet, but they are reporting 22 injured and 2 dead, but are anticipating those numbers to rise because of the density of people in the area.
This is barely an hour away from where I am right now.
They are postulating that the bombs were portable, rudimentary IED type devices based on size of the explosions and the amount of shrapnel injuries. Eye witnesses are reporting many victims with lost limbs.

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED: Initial photos from the scene are here. Video from the scene when it happened is here.

Since cell phone service has been shut down in the area to prevent remote triggering of more bombs, anyone who might be looking for family and friends is encouraged to call 617-635-4500. If you know or saw anything suspicious or unusual, call the Boston Police Tip Line: 1-800-494-8477.

Today is a holiday in Massachusetts, a day that was supposed to be full of fun and friendly competition. I had friends attending the race and thankfully they have said that they are okay, but I know that others are not so lucky. Thoughts and much love to those who've suffered directly and indirectly. I'm just at a loss for words.

Side note: The last mile in the Boston Marathon was dedicated to the families of the victims of the Newtown, CT school shooting. Some parents of Newtown victims were seated in the VIP section right near where the bombs exploded.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Happy Shit – 4/12/13

Hi guys, I posted this past Monday! FUCK YEAH!

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of time today to put this together, but I didn't want to leave you with nothing because I love you. Let's do this shit.

Fun fact of the week: Opossums with an "O" are either North or South American. Possums with a "P" are found in Australia or New Guinea.
This is an Australian possum. Surprisingly, it doesn't want to kill you like the rest of the continent.
And now, Happy Shit! FUCK YEAH!

Here are 25 types of people on a date.
Tell you what, you ain't orderin' SHIT. You eatin' some CORNFLAKES.
The Star Trek: Next Generation Theme completely acappella by Chris Thompson.
Space. The final frontier.
A song about pimpin' lady 'staches. It is hilarious.
Back then, I'd dress it up with a bracelet and a bow. Now I accessorize above my lip and below my nose.
And a new Epic Rap Battles of History between Skrillex and Mozart!
I have always enjoyed some Mozart. Fuck yeah, Amadeus.
This gif of dudes "swimming laps" in a hallway.
I should have tried this in high school, but that floor was fucking maybe not.
And this gif of a hedgehog trying to escape his hat-prison.
YES! SUCCESS!....Dammit.
And this gif of an old guy in his Hover Round at a protest.
He says,"Fuck the po-po."
And finally, Dobbye the Capybara is at it again. This time he dumps a bag of used guinea pig shavings.
What do you mean, "No, it's not for Dobbye"? All of the things are for Dobbye! ALL OF THEM.
And I really, really have to go do things now. Sorry again for this being so short. Hopefully I will "see" you on Monday!

Monday, April 8, 2013

Worst Female in the World: Part 1

Today, I would like to begin another ongoing segment. This is very similar to my other ongoing segment, Domestically Challenged (Part 1 - Part 2), only this segment will focus on why I suck at being a female. Because my ineptitude knows no bounds.

This first entry will be about women's pants and why I don't understand them. I find they are essentially full of vague words and sizing pitfalls. Like what? Well, let me make a fucking list for you, because you know that is how I roll.
Because lists are fucking AWESOME!

Arbitrary Sizing

People of the penis-having gender: when you need pants, what do you do?

If you are like my husband, you go online and pick out your size (which, handily enough, is your waist and inseam measurements) and fit/style and click add to motherfucking cart. BAM! You just bought pants like a boss! And in a week you will get them, put them on and nine times out of ten they will fit perfectly.
More websites should have this button.
If you tried to do this with women's pants, you would have a shit-heap of stuff that doesn't fit. There is no waist measurement and no inseam, just a number that means nothing. Don't be fooled into thinking that just because you can wear a size 6 in jeans at one store that you will wear a size 6 in all pants everywhere, because that is a logical progression and clothing suppliers don't need your petty LOGIC.
Logic? LOGIC?!
Every single store I shop in, I am a different size. I have had pants fit from size 0 to size 10 in one goddamn shopping trip.
Huh. So size really IS just a number...
That is a pretty wide gap, even if we are just taking into account even numbers (in the US, women's clothing only comes in even numbered sizes). You might be thinking,"Yeah, but if you have bought clothes from the store before, you can just order the same size you bought last time and you'll be fine."


And that brings me to my next point.

Random Resize

Women's stores like to "resize" their clothing at random.

For example, I used to wear all Gap jeans in size 0 (in high school and college...I couldn't fit my leg into those pants now). One day, I bought a few pairs but when I went to wear them they were huge. Thinking that perhaps they had been mismarked, I took them back to the store and proceeded to try on every size zero they had. They were all too big. All of them.
What the buggery-fuck is this shit?
Turns out, Gap had decided to make all their women's clothing bigger to make fat people feel better about the number they were wearing. And a lot of other stores are doing the same. It also turns out that I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK. I don't care if I am wearing a size 55 as long as the damn shit fits.
Oh me? I wear a size 587...

The Rise

Women's bottoms have something called a "rise." It is supposed to tell you where can expect the waist to be on you. From crack-bearing extreme lowrise...
There is no way they didn't photoshop out her ass crack. Either that or she is a assless alien.
To extreme high-waist...
FYI: Your tits are not part of your waist.
It seems like the rise would be helpful, and it would be...if all stores called it the same fucking thing. For example: that fits on my hips, right? Like hiphuggers? Wait...are they the same thing?! But wait, what about low-rise...or low waist?! FUCK.
And what the shit is this supposed to be?! THESE ARE NOT PANTS.

The Style or Fit

Also referred to as "fit", style supposedly, it tells you the all over fit of the jeans. But like the rise, the names vary from store to store.

Some stores are more descriptive than others. Kohl's has Loose, Relaxed, Easy, Classic, Slim, and Skinny - Baggiest to tightest. Pretty straight forward. But then you have places like Ann Taylor Loft and Banana Republic that name their styles arbitrary things.
Thanks Ann Taylor Loft! I'll just slap some Julie on my ass...or maybe I am more of a Marisa...dammit. Fuck this shit, I'm buying a skirt.
Really Banana Republic? Men's names for your women's pants? Oh, these are just your "favorite" fits...does that mean there are more men-themed pants hidden somewhere else?

The Cut

The cut is the shape of the leg of the pants. And HUZZAH! There is some continuity between stores here! Essentially there is Ultra Skinny, Skinny, Tapered, Straight/Cigarette, Bootcut, Flare, Trouser, Cargo, Wide, and Sailor/Palazzo - from closest to the leg to the widest. But that is still at least ten more things to remember, and when you have already been confused and befuddled by all of the other terminology, you are expecting to be tricked here.
Dammit Admiral Ackbar!

The Length

This one is easy! YAY! Short, Regular, and Long, or Petite, Regular, and Tall! WOOOOOOO!!!
YEAH! Fucking suck it! I knew one!

You seriously thought that would be it?! BAHAHAHAHAHA! Haaaa! Woooo!

Sorry, I...Hahaha...I'm sorry...*snort*....giggle...
Please stop is only going to get worse.
Don't forget that shorts and everything in between is considered a "length"! So now you have to account for cropped pants, which are different from capris – no, seriously: capris are closer fitting than cropped pants, but the same length...And depending on the cut of the pants the name changes, so a wide leg pair of pants that is knee length are called gauchos, where a straight pair will be called cropped or walking shorts...


Seriously. I just want a fucking pair of pants.

Just...kill me.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Happy Shit – 4/5/13

Happy Friday all! Another shitty week full of work is behind us. Monday evening, I spent over an hour sitting in traffic (and was late to my follow-up eye doctor appointment) because an oil tanker hit a bridge and they diverted all the traffic to the highway I take to and from work, which as most of you know already sucks purple donkey dinks.
How dare you escape your moorings?! Don't you know I have shit to do?!
Why not take another way to work? Because I only have three ways to get there. The first route was blocked by aforementioned tanker traffic, the second route was shut down due to a car versus 18-wheeler crane accident (ouch...), and the third and longest goes right by the Shipyard at quitting time (thousands of workers plus mass exodus equals you are never fucking leaving your car ever again).
Traffic gods, why have you forsaken me?
The shitstorm that was this week was then capped off with the fact that yesterday I did something to my back, so now I look like fucking Igor.
Only I am not nearly as agreeable.

Fun fact: Marty Feldman (Igor in the above photo), actually looked like that in real life.
Fun fact of the week: Liz Taylor never wore fake lashes, she actually had a genetic mutation (called distichiasis) that gave her an extra row of lashes. Sufferers of distichiasis can have a lot of complications: the extra lashes can rub against the eyeball, which leads to irritation, frequent tearing, and even reduced vision. Sometimes, the lashes will grow straight into the cornea...fucking OW.
And now, here is some happy shit!

The Ninja Cats! They are not an urban legend!
I'm a lethal weapon motherfucker!
And I laughed my ass off when I watched this. Apparently Vagi Steaming is a thing. No that is not a typo, it is "Vagi" not "Veggie". NOTE: No va-jjs are shown (sorry...?), this is work safe...assuming you can watch funny things on YouTube at work.
Mmmm! Smells like steamed hoo-haa to me!
And how Batman chose his vigilante voice.
GIFs of the stupidity of infomercial people.
I forgot how to taco!
And Kermit asks the eternal question: what are this?!
And this totally fucking sweet Tron inspired dance routine. To my dance teacher friends: here is the link to where they get the lighting effects. It might cost a million dollars, I don't know.
But light up suits guys! LIGHT. UP. SUITS. Can you put a price on that?!
And this uplifting video by singer and musician Alex Goot. Looking at him, you wouldn't expect him to have such an awesome voice.
Kinda reminds me of Buddy Holly though.
And Landon Austin has some good music too.
I like his version of Foster the People's Pumped Up Kicks.
And lastly, Peter Hollens. Oh. Em. Gee. His stuff is incredible and almost all acappella. He actually covers a Queen song and that is really hard to do because Freddie Mercury had an incredible range.
And he went FULL Mercury in the video. Porn 'stache and all.
And that is it for this week! Remember you are all special and I love you like a fat kid loves cake.