Monday, April 8, 2013

Worst Female in the World: Part 1

Today, I would like to begin another ongoing segment. This is very similar to my other ongoing segment, Domestically Challenged (Part 1 - Part 2), only this segment will focus on why I suck at being a female. Because my ineptitude knows no bounds.

This first entry will be about women's pants and why I don't understand them. I find they are essentially full of vague words and sizing pitfalls. Like what? Well, let me make a fucking list for you, because you know that is how I roll.
Because lists are fucking AWESOME!

Arbitrary Sizing

People of the penis-having gender: when you need pants, what do you do?

If you are like my husband, you go online and pick out your size (which, handily enough, is your waist and inseam measurements) and fit/style and click add to motherfucking cart. BAM! You just bought pants like a boss! And in a week you will get them, put them on and nine times out of ten they will fit perfectly.
More websites should have this button.
If you tried to do this with women's pants, you would have a shit-heap of stuff that doesn't fit. There is no waist measurement and no inseam, just a number that means nothing. Don't be fooled into thinking that just because you can wear a size 6 in jeans at one store that you will wear a size 6 in all pants everywhere, because that is a logical progression and clothing suppliers don't need your petty LOGIC.
Logic? LOGIC?!
BITCH, I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU.
Every single store I shop in, I am a different size. I have had pants fit from size 0 to size 10 in one goddamn shopping trip.
Huh. So size really IS just a number...
That is a pretty wide gap, even if we are just taking into account even numbers (in the US, women's clothing only comes in even numbered sizes). You might be thinking,"Yeah, but if you have bought clothes from the store before, you can just order the same size you bought last time and you'll be fine."

WRONG BITCH. ALL OF THE WRONG.

And that brings me to my next point.

Random Resize

Women's stores like to "resize" their clothing at random.

For example, I used to wear all Gap jeans in size 0 (in high school and college...I couldn't fit my leg into those pants now). One day, I bought a few pairs but when I went to wear them they were huge. Thinking that perhaps they had been mismarked, I took them back to the store and proceeded to try on every size zero they had. They were all too big. All of them.
What the buggery-fuck is this shit?
Turns out, Gap had decided to make all their women's clothing bigger to make fat people feel better about the number they were wearing. And a lot of other stores are doing the same. It also turns out that I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK. I don't care if I am wearing a size 55 as long as the damn shit fits.
Oh me? I wear a size 587...

The Rise

Women's bottoms have something called a "rise." It is supposed to tell you where can expect the waist to be on you. From crack-bearing extreme lowrise...
There is no way they didn't photoshop out her ass crack. Either that or she is a assless alien.
To extreme high-waist...
FYI: Your tits are not part of your waist.
It seems like the rise would be helpful, and it would be...if all stores called it the same fucking thing. For example: Hipster...so that fits on my hips, right? Like hiphuggers? Wait...are they the same thing?! But wait, what about low-rise...or low waist?! FUCK.
And what the shit is this supposed to be?! THESE ARE NOT PANTS.

The Style or Fit

Also referred to as "fit", style supposedly, it tells you the all over fit of the jeans. But like the rise, the names vary from store to store.

Some stores are more descriptive than others. Kohl's has Loose, Relaxed, Easy, Classic, Slim, and Skinny - Baggiest to tightest. Pretty straight forward. But then you have places like Ann Taylor Loft and Banana Republic that name their styles arbitrary things.
Thanks Ann Taylor Loft! I'll just slap some Julie on my ass...or maybe I am more of a Marisa...dammit. Fuck this shit, I'm buying a skirt.
Really Banana Republic? Men's names for your women's pants? Oh, these are just your "favorite" fits...does that mean there are more men-themed pants hidden somewhere else?

The Cut

The cut is the shape of the leg of the pants. And HUZZAH! There is some continuity between stores here! Essentially there is Ultra Skinny, Skinny, Tapered, Straight/Cigarette, Bootcut, Flare, Trouser, Cargo, Wide, and Sailor/Palazzo - from closest to the leg to the widest. But that is still at least ten more things to remember, and when you have already been confused and befuddled by all of the other terminology, you are expecting to be tricked here.
Dammit Admiral Ackbar!

The Length

This one is easy! YAY! Short, Regular, and Long, or Petite, Regular, and Tall! WOOOOOOO!!!
YEAH! Fucking suck it! I knew one!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

You seriously thought that would be it?! BAHAHAHAHAHA! Haaaa! Woooo!

Sorry, I...Hahaha...I'm sorry...*snort*....giggle...
Please stop crying...it is only going to get worse.
Don't forget that shorts and everything in between is considered a "length"! So now you have to account for cropped pants, which are different from capris – no, seriously: capris are closer fitting than cropped pants, but the same length...And depending on the cut of the pants the name changes, so a wide leg pair of pants that is knee length are called gauchos, where a straight pair will be called cropped or walking shorts...

Conclusion


Seriously. I just want a fucking pair of pants.

Just...kill me.

4 comments:

Karen Cunningham said...

Agreed! Am I a 4 or a 6 or an 8? All depends not only the day, but the time of day and how many clouds are in the sky....yeah it's that fucking random! Grrrr!

Anonymous said...


Put on a skirt and be done with your complaining.

Valerie said...

I just went out and bought new work pants. Apparently I don't know my own size... Because nothing fit. So I sat down and cried whilst I ate my cookie.

Fuck pants.

Hugs!

Valerie

Melissa Bloechl said...

Anonymous: I do wear dresses and skirts all summer, but I would have a frozen vagina if I tried to wear skirts through the winter here. I am not okay with having a vagina-cicle.

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