This first entry will be about women's pants and why I don't understand them. I find they are essentially full of vague words and sizing pitfalls. Like what? Well, let me make a fucking list for you, because you know that is how I roll.
|Because lists are fucking AWESOME!|
Arbitrary SizingPeople of the penis-having gender: when you need pants, what do you do?
If you are like my husband, you go online and pick out your size (which, handily enough, is your waist and inseam measurements) and fit/style and click add to motherfucking cart. BAM! You just bought pants like a boss! And in a week you will get them, put them on and nine times out of ten they will fit perfectly.
|More websites should have this button.|
BITCH, I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU.
|Huh. So size really IS just a number...|
WRONG BITCH. ALL OF THE WRONG.
And that brings me to my next point.
Random ResizeWomen's stores like to "resize" their clothing at random.
For example, I used to wear all Gap jeans in size 0 (in high school and college...I couldn't fit my leg into those pants now). One day, I bought a few pairs but when I went to wear them they were huge. Thinking that perhaps they had been mismarked, I took them back to the store and proceeded to try on every size zero they had. They were all too big. All of them.
|What the buggery-fuck is this shit?|
|Oh me? I wear a size 587...|
The RiseWomen's bottoms have something called a "rise." It is supposed to tell you where can expect the waist to be on you. From crack-bearing extreme lowrise...
|There is no way they didn't photoshop out her ass crack. Either that or she is a assless alien.|
|FYI: Your tits are not part of your waist.|
|And what the shit is this supposed to be?! THESE ARE NOT PANTS.|
The Style or FitAlso referred to as "fit", style supposedly, it tells you the all over fit of the jeans. But like the rise, the names vary from store to store.
Some stores are more descriptive than others. Kohl's has Loose, Relaxed, Easy, Classic, Slim, and Skinny - Baggiest to tightest. Pretty straight forward. But then you have places like Ann Taylor Loft and Banana Republic that name their styles arbitrary things.
|Thanks Ann Taylor Loft! I'll just slap some Julie on my ass...or maybe I am more of a Marisa...dammit. Fuck this shit, I'm buying a skirt.|
|Really Banana Republic? Men's names for your women's pants? Oh, these are just your "favorite" fits...does that mean there are more men-themed pants hidden somewhere else?|
The CutThe cut is the shape of the leg of the pants. And HUZZAH! There is some continuity between stores here! Essentially there is Ultra Skinny, Skinny, Tapered, Straight/Cigarette, Bootcut, Flare, Trouser, Cargo, Wide, and Sailor/Palazzo - from closest to the leg to the widest. But that is still at least ten more things to remember, and when you have already been confused and befuddled by all of the other terminology, you are expecting to be tricked here.
|Dammit Admiral Ackbar!|
The LengthThis one is easy! YAY! Short, Regular, and Long, or Petite, Regular, and Tall! WOOOOOOO!!!
|YEAH! Fucking suck it! I knew one!|
You seriously thought that would be it?! BAHAHAHAHAHA! Haaaa! Woooo!
Sorry, I...Hahaha...I'm sorry...*snort*....giggle...
|Please stop crying...it is only going to get worse.|
Seriously. I just want a fucking pair of pants.