Monday, June 18, 2012

Domestically Challenged

I am going to take some time today to talk to you all about a serious problem plaguing households across the world.

Domestically Challengeditis is a procrastination related disorder where one puts off doing something one hates in relation to cleanliness of ones home. It is a very serious problem, one that you might not even know you have until you are attacked by a dust bunny the size of your head and you have to put a stake through it’s fucking heart to get it to leave you alone (aka - to make it stop sticking to your sock so you can further ignore the problem in peace). 


To add insult to injury, people afflicted with this disorder are generally bad at the actual act of cleaning. Whether it is due to disuse of the cleaning skill set or just some cruel fucking joke from some higher deity is unclear. Either way, it sucks.


This disorder is made worse by the soul-sucking futility of home cleanliness. Take for example the toilet. You scrub the shit out of it (oh hell YES that pun is intended) until she shines like a goddamn beacon of AWESOME. It is a monument to your cleaning effort and inevitably the moment that you finish, someone will need to drop a deuce all over that shininess. FACT.

This makes people want to poop.

The usual symptoms of Domestically Challengeditis usually are general clutter and a build up of dishes and laundry, but symptoms may worsen when house guests are introduced to the environment. For those afflicted with Domestically Challengeditis, the prospect of visitors induces a panicked and furious cleaning session known as The Frenzy. The Frenzy is a horrible time for other members of the household. The afflicted, struggling with the massive project laid before them and terrified of the visiting outside party finding out what a fucking procrastinating slob they are, turns into the Super Bitch Tornado. Dusting furniture, picking up scattered shoes and discarded coats at an alarming rate, god help you if you are in the way of this storm of house-cleaning assbeat. You will be opening a whole can of Bitchiness that will not close until the house is deemed “presentable”, and even then there may be residual animosity. Get in the way enough times and you may be barred from the cleaning area, but most likely you will be press-ganged into service for The Frenzy aboard the USS Where-The-Fuck-Do-You-Think-You’re-Going. Good luck escaping.

She's a proud ship with a long and bitchy heritage...

As you can see, this is a serious issue for the afflicted party and the other members of the household. To help raise awareness for this horrible disorder, I’m going to come right out and say it:

Hello, my name is Melissa and I am Domestically Challenged.


Melanie Burger said...

Hello Melissa. I am Melanie. And I am also domestically challenged. To the point that I must now share this post with Scott, who will shit himself when he gets to the part about The Frenzy, which he has witnessed on numerous occasions. Thank you for making me feel less alone in my disorderliness.

Gail Klanchesser said...

Hello Melissa, I am Gail and I am Domestically Challenged. This is a disorder that has developed slowly over time and while I think I am slightly good at cleaning, I just can find so many better things to do than clean. Unless of course I have other things that I should be doing, then I will clean to procrastinate those. I also have 4 children which makes any lingering effects of the Frenzy or 'Half-Assed Attempt' dissipate in mere seconds. I also agree about the bathroom.... why does everyone need to go the moment I finish cleaning it? Thank you for helping me realize I am not alone in my clutter.

Melissa Bloechl said...

Hello Melanie. Hello Gail.

This is a safety zone where those afflicted with the disorder can safely air their troubles without fear of judgement. I will probably do a few posts regarding more specific areas of the disorder in the near future. For now, thank you for having the courage to confront your own disorder. You may now shank the shit out of that dust bunny with the knowledge that there are other shiv-toting people with the same affliction.

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