- Wireless mouse: You use batteries like a junkie goes through heroin. Seriously, you are fucking battery eating machine. I turn you off when I go home every night and yet you still mock me. If you tell me you are low on batteries one more time, I am throwing you out the goddamn window.
|"Batteries?! OM-NOM-NOM-NOM!" - Mouse|
- Keyboard: Seriously, what the fuck? I plug in a USB drive and you randomly decide to eject it and then put an error message on the screen telling me that I improperly removed the drive. I plug it in the other USB port and the same thing happens. I hate you.
|"I like fucking with people while they are working and telling them it is their fault.|
Like your boss, but more vital to your work." - Keyboard
- Work coffee: You taste like liquid ass. You taste like that every day, but it is bothering me more than usual today. Also, grapes. I see you hiding back there. Don’t think Coffee is going to protect you. What the hell? I just bought you a couple of days ago and you have been in the fridge, so why are you all squishy? WHY?
|Fact: Coffee still tastes like ass, even though it is in an awesome cup. Lipstick on a pig people.|
- Air conditioner: While I really appreciate that you work now (really), especially given that it is 100 degrees outside today, you are kinda being an over-achiever. Just take it down a notch.
|Deep freeze isn't necessary.|
- Mother Nature: First you bring this god-awful heatwave, then you send Aunt Flow to visit so I have to go through the day with a diaper strapped to my ass? You are a bitch.
|Bonus: It is humid too, so my hair looks like a poodle is camped out on my head. Awesome.|
- Cabinet in the break room: Why won’t you close? There is nothing blocking your way, yet you insist on being slightly ajar. You’re messing with me, aren’t you?