Monday, December 10, 2012

Holiday Festivities

So, we haven't really had a good conversation in a while because of all the shit going down in my life lately.
Yup, that right there is where shit goes down.
So, how are you? What are you planning to do for whatever seasonal holiday you happen to celebrate this time of year? What do you plan to do if you don't have a seasonal holiday to celebrate, but still get the time off? Here, I will answer first to get the ball rolling:

  1. I'm doing okay, but I really need less work and more sleep or I am going to be a zombie for Christmas.
  2. I celebrate Christmas, and I have a metric fuck-ton of people to see. My family, my husband's family, our extended family...So. Many. People. 
  3. If I had no holiday to celebrate, I would sleep and then make a gigantic feast just because I could. With loads of mashed potatoes. And carrots. And brown n' serve rolls. And pie. And cookies.
And spiral ham, because delicious.

I think I am going to keep with the Christmas theme today and talk about holiday office parties and how much they suck. Why do they suck? Let me take you through this bullshit...

Parties. With an "-ies" not a "y".
I don't know about your office, but the one I currently work in has three goddamn parties this year because people in different departments can't get together and plan just one. The first of this holiday clusterfuck is this Wednesday, then there is one this Thursday, and the final one is on the 21st.
Just fucking pick a day. Jesus Christ...
What's the big deal? Just go to the one for your department and stop bitching, right? WRONG. A good portion of other people who are cross-departmental are required to be at ALL of them. And that lovely little group includes me.

Why is that? First and foremost, it is because I take photos because apparently no one can work a camera but me. Secondly, no one really wants to claim the graphic designer is in their department because no one really knows what I do. No one want to be responsible for all the witchcraft and jiggery-pokery my job entails.
"Hang on guys...I'm summoning Satan. Uh, I mean....making a poster." 
Pot Luck - Required
What the fucking fuck is THAT supposed to mean?

Please allow me to clarify: it means make something/bring something, or your ass will be in a chair in HR to talk about why you aren't being a "team player". The participation level in the past has been less than stellar (i.e. - two or three people) and instead of thinking, "Hey, maybe it is because there are too many parties and people can't afford to bring something to every party..." they just determined that they needed to force participation instead, because that is fun for everyone.
"Merry Christmas, bitches" – <3 The HR Department
Secret Santa
I would like to say thanks to all the deities in existence for NOT having a Secret Santa this year. Last year, it was required just like the pot luck. And I always get stuck having to get a present for the greasy, fat dude...
Do they think I am made of money and ideas for ALL the greasy, fat dudes?
Bosses and Co-workers
While attending all of these parties, you are supposed to let go the fact that you are co-workers and just be friends. All in all, how many jobs include co-workers that you could also consider friends? I used to have that at a previous job, but that is the exception and not the rule. Here, I have co-workers that are okay, fewer that I actually like, and even fewer that I would hang out with as a friend.

So they take that dynamic, stuff it into a small space with weird food and not enough chairs, and expect you to awkwardly make chit-chat with the boss that has made your life a living hell, the strange dude in the cubical down the hall who you are pretty sure has a collection of boogers under his desk, and the "Happy Hannah" of the office who is always WAY too pumped about everything. Including Mondays.
Above: Actual conversation from a work party.
I am grateful that it takes up an hour or two of my workday, but with the amount of work on my plate I would really rather have the work time and just attend one awkward affair per holiday season.
With the added bonus of my social awkwardness and anxiety, this holiday season should be LOADS of fun.


squashculls said...

I love this!

Charleen said...

Ugh, do not envy you. My husband's company holiday party is this Friday (an after-work thing, not a during-work thing) and I am really hoping that we don't go. He was on the fence about it, so I might be off the hook. I get worked up enough going to parties where I actually know most people there, even if I'd really only consider two of them actual friends (yes, I have one of those this weekend as well, which is why I'm really hoping to not have to do the Friday thing).

But, we're going out of town for about a week and a half for Christmas/New Years, and during that time I will be doing as much socializing as possible with my ACTUAL friends. (Oh, and family... yeah, them too.)

Valerie said...

Omg! Why the hell do I have to lose my lunch hour to be forced to hang out with people I can't stand?! I just want to sit alone at my desk and pretend they don't exist!!

I hate them all...



Melissa Bloechl said...

Squashculls: Holiday parties really do suck. I am not even exaggerating.

Charleen: Fortunately, David is on the same page as me with after-work work functions. Way too awkward for either of us. Also, my parties are during the work day, so he can't attend anyway. And he is pumped about that.

Valerie: YES! THAT! Seriously, WTF?! It is MY lunch hour! MELISSA SMASH!!!!!! However, I get free lunch for 3 days...bonus?

Amber Holt said...

Lets talk about Pot Lucks for a moment here... We have a pot luck at work a few times a year and I straight up refuse to participate. I used to sit right across from the company bathrooms (lucky me) and had a view of the mens restroom sinks. Guess who knows who washes their hands and who doesn't?! That was one of the moments that I decided that, mother fucker if you can't wash your hands when you KNOW someone can see you not do it, what the fuck are you doing at your house when you're preparing the food I'm going to eat?! No thanks, I'll totally pass.

As far as the holiday party goes... Right before I got promoted I started planning ours so it's going to be great! I have a delicious dinner being catered, for dessert we are having a chocolate fountain and an open bar. We are also raffling off an iPad, iPod, kindle fire and 2- $100 gift cards. I'm for real going! :)

Melissa Bloechl said...

Yeah, it is fucking disgusting to have pot luck unless it is with people you know and trust. I only eat things brought by people that I know. That leads to some weird selections last year, I had green beans, cookies, and apple pie, because it was the only stuff I knew was safe. I would rather not touch the food from the grungy people.

If any of our holiday parties were as awesome as the one you planned, then I would enjoy going. Catering alone would be awesome. It is amazing how relaxing it is to not have to worry about the quality or cleanliness of the food...

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