Monday, March 11, 2013

Spring Forward

For those of you who don't have it, let me just tell you that Daylight Savings sucks ass. Especially the spring forward one. You are just starting to get a little extra energy because the sun is up longer and it isn't all shitty and grey all the time, then BAM! We change the clocks back and any energy you had is bitch-slapped so hard that it dies.
Thanks Count Rugen. You're a dick.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Most of the world doesn't observe this fuckery, so what the hell?
All the places in orange don't recognize DST anymore and the ones in red have never recognized it.

Who Do We Blame For This Bullshit?

Seriously, whoever thought this shit up should be punched repeatedly in the dick. Forever.
It was all of these ancient assholes. All of our ancestors were dicks.
Many ancient civilizations adjusted their schedules for the varying lengths of day throughout the year. Though not exactly like our present day DST, they created a precursor to our system in which the hours in a day got longer in the summer and shorter in the winter.
"Watch this! It's summer, so I'll make the day take FOREVER to pass. And if they complain, they get a lightening bolt in the ass."  – Zeus
The guy to think of the current system (though only in a broad sense) was Benjamin Franklin.
Founding Father, Inventor, Destroyer of Sleep.

He observed from a purely economic standpoint that many resources would be saved if everybody rose earlier in the summer and burned less "midnight oil."
This was when "midnight oil" required some dude named Ahab to battle a gigantic dick of a whale just to get some of its sweet blubber juice. All so you could put it in your lamp.
However, even though Ben thought some changing of time would be an effective way to save resources, he didn't know how to implement it. Especially since people in the 18th-century did not keep precise schedules.

Since good ol' Ben couldn't get his shit together and come up with a plan, it remained an idea until the late 1800's when George Vernon Hudson thought to himself,"Damn, I like having extra daylight hours to go collect bugs (seriously). I bet other people would like it too."
I like bugs and not letting people sleep.
William Willett heard of this new time/resource saving idea taking hold in New Zealand and was all,"Britain needs to be in on this shit!" He started lobbying the government, with the help of his friend (some dude named Winston Churchill).
William and Winston, lobbying to ruin your sleep since 1905.
The British government was hesitant, but in 1916, Germany was like,"Dude, we are at war with the whole goddamn world and we need to conserve some coal or we are going to run out of that shit. Let's play with time." The British and many other nations saw how well it worked and were like,"We're totally stealing your plan Germany! ROFLcopter! LOL!"
This means more hours in the day to kill and/or horribly disfigure other dudes with mustard gas and bullets! WHEEE!!
After WWI, the Russia and the US were like,"Britain won't shut up about it's new fucking time/resource saving plan, so let's just adopt that shit so they can't rub it in our face anymore." However, lots of European countries went back to the normal time system.
Because what good is it to save money when your economy makes it so all it is good for is toilet paper and kindling?
DST made a resurgence during WWII, but was widely abandoned afterwards. It finally became a permanent part of most US states' laws during the 1970's energy crisis.

And yes, I said MOST states. The federal government doesn't require US states or territories to observe daylight saving time, which is why residents of Arizona, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, American Samoa, Guam, and the Northern Marianas Islands didn't need to change their clocks this past weekend. Those bastards.

It Makes Bad Shit Happen

If you made it into work this morning without being molested by other drivers, congratulations. Statistically, the day after daylight savings is one of the worst days (in terms of safety) to be on the road.
Oh, goddammit. I haven't even left the house yet.
The "spring forward" is much worse than the "fall back" in terms of casualties. Transportation officials can set their watch to a statistical spike in fatal car accidents the Monday following the spring forward.
Hmm, what's on the calendar for today? Dentist at 8, Meeting at 10,
oh and Spring Forward: Prepare for Apocalypse. Sounds like a busy day!
However, this shittastic trend doesn't just affect the commutes, it affects EVERYTHING. There are more serious work related accidents, our sleep is disrupted, there is an increased risk of heart attack, Wall Street tanks, decreased productivity, an increasing susceptibility to illness, we are just fucking  tired.

In my opinion, our circadian body clocks are set by light and darkness, so we never truly adjust to gaining an "extra" hour of sunlight. Why endanger ourselves?
Fuck it. Let's all go to Hawaii.


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