Happy Shit – 11/2/12

We have reached the end of another week! Yayness!

Fun random fact of the day: Your brain accounts for just 3% of your body’s weight but consumes 17% of your body’s total energy.

He is like the body's fatass.

Okay, now here is some shit that made me happy this week:

This FULLY FUNCTIONAL Pip-Boy. I want this.

If you have played Fallout, you know how awesome this is.
If you haven't played it and you like video games, what the hell is wrong with you? Do that shit.
If you don't like video games, what the hell is wrong with you? Not even Mario Kart?!

This video in which Teddy Bear teaches everyone how to eat a pumpkin is just damn adorable.

Teddy Bear says, "Oh hai!" 

I had forgotten all about this until the other day when someone mentioned Cosmo Magazine...

This is a teachable moment...

On Halloween, I had candy for breakfast. And for a post lunch snack. And yesterday after dinner I may or may not have eaten 8 fun-sized KitKat bars. Don't judge me. The candy was free. FREE!

What would you have done?!

Let me introduce you to Giant Pumpkin-Boat Racing. Because Maine. Aye-yup.

I shit you not, this is real. And so is that guy's ZZ Top beard.

This article on the Seven Most Ridiculous Ghost Stories From Around The World will scar your very soul.

This guy knows how to give someone the stink eye...

Also these articles on the creepiest places on Earth: Part 1   Part 2   Part 3   Part 4

Oh, holy fucking Christ.
Thanks for the nightmare fuel.

A very serious tutorial (or not) for making a T-shirt into a sleeveless shirt by MaxNoSleeves.

Pro Tip: Don't use V-necks.

I posted this on my Facebook on Monday, but there is a Halloween episode of Ask A Mortician.

Eat candy - think of death

Jenna Marbles boyfriend does her makeup and it is fabulous.

This is clearly going well.

And that is some stuff that I enjoyed this week. Have a good weekend and see ya Monday bitches :-)

Unscathed!

In all seriousness I know there were people who were not so lucky with this last storm. Last I heard, the death toll had reached 23 in the US, and just now in NH, one man has been reported dead, bringing the total to 24. In the devastation of the Caribbean, approximately 70 people have died. There had been one fatality in Toronto, Canada as well. New York City alone is experiencing its worst crisis since 9/11, with massive power failures, fires, and flooding. It is awful and incredibly heart-wrenching. 

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Here is a lighter synopsis (in photos) of the storm in NH:

I seriously regret taking my bike to work.

It is a great idea to take a young, lightweight child to the beach when
the ocean AND the wind are that pissed off.

Trust the Gorton's Fisherman...?

The ocean says, "Fuck you road, you belong to me now."

"This isn't as much fun as it looked...what am I doing wrong?"

Lake Winnipesaukee says "It's not all about you OCEAN!
See?! I can have terrifying waves too!"

Sandy liked it, so she put a tree on it...?

Dude, you know what would be great right now? A fucking SWIM.

Hey honey? Since we have no power, I guess we'll go out to eat...well, fuck.

US Postal Service: Delivering mail like a badass since 1775.
Through wind, sleet, and hail bitches.

Get out there? Sure, easy for you to say, you are allowed to SHIT INSIDE.

Flooding Inception: A pool within a pool.

Fuck you Sandy. I'm a seagull.

Well, now we have ocean front property. Someone will pay
a shit-bunch of money for that, right?

So...no turning on red arrow still?

You wanted your porch sandblasted, right?
(Note: This is not on the beach. That is a road and a sidewalk covered
in heavy, wet sand. All of Hampton is covered in sand from the wind.)

For us, Sandy was extremely windy and rainy, but we didn't lose power or get any flooding. We just have a lot of leaves and sticks in the yard. I forgot to take a picture of the house post-Frankenstorm before I left for work this morning so...sorry? I am a terrible current events blogger. 

So instead, enjoy this picture of a post-Sandy rainbow that was spotted somewhere in northern NH:

The End :-)

End of Days?

The Frankenstorm is coming! GAH! Just kidding. Well, the storm is coming...and it is merging with a Nor'easter coming in from Canada before it gets here, but...DEAR GOD! IT IS FRANKENSTORM!

Well, we're fucked.

As always, I ventured out to work this morning. My employer gets very cranky about missing days for something as trivial as "weather," or "three goddamn feet of snow," or "holy-shit-my-house-has-become-an-island type flooding". 

You had better paddle your ass in to work, you fucking pansy.

But the storm hadn't really started yet so the ride in was fine, if a little windy. The problem lies in the fact that I live inland, but work right on the coast. I could fart wrong and be on the beach, which is less than a mile away.

Point A is where I work. Point B is the local beach.

Also, I would like to point out that the "land" represented on the above map is seriously misleading. It is more like salt marsh and bog with little rivers and estuaries everywhere. (Side note: the word of the day is estuaries...because they are cool places and have fascinating ecosystems. Don't say I don't teach you anything.)

Hey Google, this is what we here in the real world call NOT LAND.

Apparently, the real storm is supposed to start in earnest later this afternoon, so hopefully that means I will be able to escape the watery land of Hampton before the sea takes it back like Atlantis.

Hampton will not look this majestic.

Preparations for Sandy here have been subdued. Sure, we had the usual rush for the grocery stores and boarding up of houses along the immediate coast, and all the schools in the state were either cancelled or will be releasing early, but the attitude to the storm is pure New England: "Fack (Fuck) Sandy. It's just gonna rain wicked haaad (hard) and be windy, and then it will be fackin' (fucking) done Kiiid (Kid). It's not like that blizzaaad (blizzard) the year before last. That was a fuckin' killah (killer). Fuckin' transplants (people not from New England or not from the NE state the person hails from), getting excited over some rain...*grumbling*". Allow me to translate that for you: "You are a fucking pansy-ass-bitch. Are you a New Englander or not?!"

THIS is what a salty New Englander looks like. She doesn't give a shit about some rain!
(Hi Grandma, great 'stache and bitchin' hat)

Here are photos of some of the preparations:

Sandy, this minuteman in his trash bag attire will give you a musketball enema.

And this:

Sandy, why are you ruining Halloween, the holiday of candy and slutty costumes?

And this one:

Spooooooky ghost!

And this:

Ha! Take that Sandy! You don't even deserve your own sign!

And then I saw this.

Grand Central Station in New York City at rush hour this morning...

...Oh shit you guys. It's gonna be wicked bad out.

Happy Shit – 10/26/12

Have I mentioned my hatred of road construction? New England has a very short road construction season, about mid-May to mid-October, so clearly the thing to do is wait until the beginning of October to START all the projects...Thanks state of New Hampshire!

Anyway, without further ado, here is some shit that made me happy this week:

I received my very own plush TARDIS for my office! I <3 IT SO MUCH! Thank you Jason!

It even makes the noise and the little light lights up! SQUEE!!!!!

I found out that a personal pie factory exists. PERSONAL. PIE. FACTORY.

You guys, I WILL MAKE ALL OF THE PIES.

I shared this yesterday on facebook, but I don't care. I need this for winter. No, seriously. NEED.

Severed Wampa Hand Ice Scraper? Fuck yeah!

I was totally blown away that any of these things exist. Possibly because the people that made them thought there wasn't enough terror in the world?

This isn't nearly the worst one.

I love this video of make-up artist doing makeup while blindfolded. It makes me feel better about my makeup skills, or lack thereof.

Foundation time! *squish*

I have not yet shared my love of Written By A Kid. My favorite episode is Scary Smash.

S.Q.U.A.T. Team lead by Gerald (Joss Whedon).

And that is about it for this week...oh wait. This video almost made me pee my pants in fear.

I believe in ceiling hands.

Magical Beverage

I don't know if it is the increased darkness, the cooler weather, or lack of sleep, but I have just been a blob of blah lately. I work, come home, make dinner, do some laundry, and lay on the couch. Rinse and repeat for the whole week.

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

This past Saturday, we attended a lovely wedding at Flaghill Winery. I have found that a majority of weddings have awful food and you are seated with the most awkward group of people ever, but none of that was the case at this wedding! Woo!

Obligatory shot of the wedding with the important people in it.

Events like weddings or parties make me realize that I am the shittiest adult on the face of the planet. I get exhausted meeting new people, because in my head I am very hard at work trying to not freak out at the amount of people in the room, being uncomfortable in my fancy clothes, and also trying to not say something completely awkward.

So how's the penis lately?...Shit.

To further separate me from the adult crowd, I do not particularly like the taste of alcoholic beverages. I can count on less than half of one hand the number of drinks I have had and liked...two, in fact: Toasted Marshmallow Amore and some very pink frozen fruity thing I had on my honeymoon in the Bahamas but don't know the name of.

Fuck you Olive Garden for getting rid of the only alcoholic drink I like and know the name of.

You would also be surprised how many people feel awkward, threatened, or just all around angry that you are not drinking. Then they come to the conclusion that there must be a medical reason for your disturbing lack of alcohol, and immediately ask in their loudest voice if you are pregnant. Then you spend the rest of the evening denying the baby rumors and feeling fat.

Me: Chunky, not pregnant.

I find it easier to just skirt the whole issue by pretending I already have a drink, so I like to carry a mocktail. That way, no one bothers me or tries to buy me something totally disgusting that they insist I will like, despite the fact that I have told them I don't want it. 

The only mocktail I knew that every venue has the stuff to make is the Shirley Temple, which is okay, but not great. NO MORE! 

Suck it, Shirley.

At the wedding, I found out about the most awesome drink ever. Behold my friends, the Darth Vader!

Okay, the photo quality is shitty, but whatever.

What is in this glass of delicious you might be asking. I will tell you, because we are BFFs and everyone should know of this wonderful beverage: Coke, grenadine, and a maraschino cherry. BAM.

The taste is magical. Like unicorn urine or something.
(Side note: the brand name for the grenadine in this photo is funkin syrup. That makes me giggle.)

It was magical and everyone thought it was a "real" beverage. Also, it is named after Darth Vader and that equals awesome.

Don't ruin this by reminding me that this drink is also called the Roy Rogers.
It's a fucking DARTH VADER bitch.