Monday, July 1, 2013

Reasons that Summer Sucks

I have a love/hate relationship with seasons. I like that we get warm and cold weather, I like that we get snow (sometimes), I like the pretty leaves in the fall; however, it always seems that I get used to one season and then BAM! A different one is there, ruining my day with all of its special demands.

Here are the reasons I hate summer:

More Laundry

I do believe we are all well acquainted with how I feel about laundry on a normal basis, but if not click here and read all about it
Dear Laundry: Fuck you, you fucking bitch-whore twat-waffle. I hope you burn in hell. <3 Me
You may be thinking,"But Melissa! It is summer! People traditionally wear less clothing because it is warm." You are either a better being than I or a poor, misguided human being. The daily flux of rising temperatures and random, out-of-nowhere cool snaps mean more outfit changes per day.
Well, it started out at 60 this morning, then it was 90 degrees early this afternoon, but within the space of an hour the temperature dropped to 45. Boom! Two or three clothing changes right there in one goddamn day.
Also, if you are a normal human (unlike me), you wear swimsuits that also need washing. And make sure it is a special load so as not to get chlorine on your regular clothes, and so you don't make the swimsuit fabric all faded and weak so it tears when you try to put it on next.
Swimwear gives me nightmares.

Roving Hordes of Children

Let me just say up front, I do not hate children but summer means no school, and that means there are children everywhere. Sometimes they are charming, adorable, and fun; but, more often than not, any encounter with children I have in the summer is not at all charming. They are running down aisles, pulling things off of shelves and racks, screaming, crying, and having all out temper tantrums.
Go ahead, deny me a juice box. Do it. I dare you.
And if it isn't the young kids, it is the roving gangs of asshole pre-teens at any clothing establishment. They yell obscenities, are rude to everyone, are stealing everything, and are generally behaving like...well, assholes. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR PARENTS?!
Yes, we are all very impressed that you said "fuck" ten times, right in front of all those small children, and then stuck that dress you didn't pay for in your gigantic purse.
And if that wasn't enough fun, then you can step outside and get run over by the first time drivers that actively want to kill you to impress the friends they are driving around with.
These bitches will totally touch my penis if I burn out of the parking lot and almost kill us all! Bitches love that shit!

Exercise

Winter is awesome, if for no other reason than I can hide any weight I have put on with multiple layers of clothing. Then summer comes along and bitch slaps you right on that hidden fat roll with its shorts and tank tops and cute dresses. And then as you try to be good so you can fit into last summer's clothes, it teases you with ice cream treats.
Hey fatass, LOOK AT HOW DELICIOUS I AM.

Weather

The weather in New England is notoriously unpredictable and fickle at any time of year, but never is that more of an issue than in the summer when you are trying to plan time off from work, especially for outdoor activities. You will have a hot, 90-degree day and the next day it will be 50 degrees and raining hypothermia from the uncaring sky.
I'm so confused. And cold. And dirty....ew, what the hell am I doing?
Let's just talk about the heat.
  • AC
    Almost none of the buildings here are equipped to deal with summer heat. Most buildings are old and drafty with no built in air conditioning, some aren't that old and yet still somehow have no air conditioning, still others technically have air conditioning but it never functions properly (especially not when it is actually hot outside), and if a place does miraculously have air conditioning that works, no one seems to know how to turn it off of the "make your ass into a popsicle" setting, so you freeze to death. There is no middle ground. Ever.
    Oh hey, welcome to my icy cave of death! Uh...I mean, office!
  • The car...IT BURNS.
    You get into your car and EVERYTHING. FUCKING. BURNS.
GAH! I touched the steering wheel!
  • Help! I'm stuck!I hate having to peel my thighs off of vinyl or leather seats at restaurants.
Are you and I going to have a problem, buddy?
  • Passive-Aggressive Stores
    They punish you for leaving with a blast of icy air just as you step out the door, and then the heat outside feels a billion times worse.
Dear god, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

Tourists and Traffic

If you have ever wondered where the phrase,"You can't there from here" came from, it was from New England. Our road systems are based mostly on the original 1700s roads, which means lots of narrow streets, one way roads, dead ends, and awkward intersections.



Ah, Boston. So picturesque, yet you want to stab something if you have to drive or park there.
Side note: Fuck you, Storrow Drive...
If you add in people who are enamoured by the quaintness and are also lost as fuck, those roads become a goddamn nightmare. Minivans and SUVs with out of state plates just packed with kids and loaded down with everything they own cut in front of you, change lanes sporadically (without blinkers) at the last minute, and slow way down if they pass a particularly scenic spot or a turn they aren't sure if they should take.
I don't care if that WAS the exit you needed, you don't slam on your breaks and BACK UP on the fucking highway.
People I also hate who are not necessarily tourists: 
  • People that drive with all their windows down while cranking the WORST music ever. 
  • People who drive with all their windows down and smoke the smelliest cigarettes ever while everyone is stuck right next to them in traffic.

Bees, bugs and pests

David fucking hates bees and if he sees one, he will bust out the bee poison and spray it at anything that remotely resembles a bee, no matter if it is inside or outside.
Bee?! *SPSHHHHHHHHH*

Fashion

Being of the vagina-having gender and apparently part Wookie, I having to spend forever shaving and plucking everything before going out in the summer. If you spend the time to de-Wookie properly (not the panicked "Shit! I'm gonna be late!" shave), you get made fun of for taking forever. If you don't, you're a hairy beast monster. 
Just me and some of the girls, hanging out!
I have already covered atrocious summer "fashion," I am just going to reiterate some of the basics:
  • Fat guys without shirts: NO.
    Dude, holster those man-tits.
  • Spandex: NO.
    I made this for a guy at work who was sick of the bike-unitard-wearing guy visiting him in full spandex regalia.
  • Tiny shorts on men (or women who just can't pull it off): NO.
    Stop it. Stop it RIGHT GODDAMN NOW.

6 comments:

Kira Bloechl said...

Hilarious and so true...and so...me. Summer sucks. If my kids decide that 90 degrees and 100% humidity is the perfect time to play "climb on mom" one more time, I'm going to spray them in the face with our garden hose. Right in the face.

Amber Holt said...

Ahh yes True, true and true all over the place! If it's not outfit changes for the cool, warm to hot, it's the OH MY FUCK I just sweat through these clothes!

Melissa Bloechl said...

Kira: You should locate Beverly's hose when you get here then, because it has been muggy here. My mom frequently used to tell us she would "Hulk out" if we hugged her one more time during heat waves.

Amber: Ugh. I am a sweaty, sweaty monkey all the time, but summer is my nemesis. I feel all nice and clean when I get out of the shower and then "Ooops! I moved", and I am all sweaty again.

fisticuffsandshenanigans said...

I have such a love/hate relationship with summer. I am a teacher, so that is my sanity-building time, but all that vacation is in SUMMER...in PHOENIX. Shoot me.

Melissa Bloechl said...

Fisticuffs: I don't do heat well. But I imagine in Phoenix you get dry heat (I know, not much of comfort with how hot it gets), but it would be better than heat and humidity for me if I had to choose.

I went to North Carolina once in the spring and I swear the air was thick enough to suffocate in. Sticky and gross everywhere and paper would just get mushy if you were holding it outside...*shudder*

Valerie said...

I remember back before I had kids and spent all summer sleeping at the beach. Now, if I want to go, I have to keep my eyes on my kids at all times! I JUST WANT A NAP!

Not to mention my husband got laid off and gets to stay at home and play with the new puppy while I get to go to the shittiest job ever.

Fuck summer.

Hugs!

Valerie

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