Monday, August 6, 2012

Is there a dress code?

Last summer was my first summer at my current job, and my first experience with the “reliability” of their air conditioner. It crapped out in mid-June and they didn’t replace it until mid-October. Re: way too goddman late to do anyone any good for the year. Safe to say it was a fucking hot and uncomfortable summer.
I'm melting! MELTING!!!!!
In early June of this year, the air conditioner that they replaced last fall shit the bed after two uses. Of course, the weather then went from seasonably warm to oh-my-god-why-have-my-shoes-melted-to-the-goddamn-pavement hot. Luckily it was a problem that was fixable within a few weeks; however, the time in-between wasn’t pretty. I had blocked out most of the fashion faux pas that happened around the office last summer, but I am having less success this summer. Maybe because this summer is much warmer and the clothing is even worse. Here is just a small sampling of the more tasteful faux pas:
Do not wear any of these. Especially to work.
Now, I am no fashion plate, but here is my list of things people wore to the office that I feel they should really not ever even have put on. Horrible things I will never be able to forget...

  • Spandex shorts - These are a no to everyone wearing them outside of the realm of exercising. Short, tall, fat, skinny: just don't do this to your fellow human beings. This includes you, dude who wears a cycling unitard at work. That spandex unitard you are sporting while working is meant strictly for cycling. No one wants to see the exact shape of your dong.

Spandex Man! Making work uncomfortable for everyone!
  • 1980’s super pleated acid wash jean anything - Shorts, jumpers, rompers, skirts...I don't care, don't wear acid wash anything. It looks like ass on everyone.
Let's get you back to your decade before your perm grows out...
  • Creepy tiny 70’s workout shorts - Guys, no. If a tween girl wouldn't wear shorts that short, you are not allowed to. No one wants to see your hairy ass or be terrified of the very real possibility of accidental penis exposure. If you pair those shorts with the knee high athletic socks, you need to to be slapped and sent back to the 70s with your porn-stache.
GAH! Do me a favor, don't move until I can run away. Far away.
  • Stained wife beaters - It's stained dude. Ew. I don't even want to know what kind of stain that is...did you wrestle a raccoon in a dumpster and lose? That shit goes in the trash.
  • See-through wife beaters - I can see your moobs and your nipples. Please stop harming my brain like this.
This is a magical combination of stained, see-through, and redneck...
  • Socks with sandals - This is never acceptable. You either wear sandals or closed-toe shoes. It is all or nothing, so make a fucking decision and live with it.
This is just fucking ridiculous.
  • Pants, shorts or skirts that have been hiked up to just under the boobs - Stop this nonsense now. If your pants are further up than your natural waist, you might as well just wear a sign saying "LOOK AT MY GUNT" because that is what those pants will be creating, no matter how skinny you are.
This is taking things to the extreme...
  • Pants, shorts or skirts that are showing your ass-crack - I have no interest whatsoever in what kind or color of underpants you are wearing, seeing your tramp-stamp, or finding out that you are not in fact a natural blonde.
From the front, you can which one is really a redhead...
  • Clothes that are really too small - This does not make you look sexy, thinner, or flatter you in any way. I'm not talking about slightly too small, I mean the people that look like they purchased their clothing in the kids department when they really should be shopping in plus sized. I have gained a bit of weight, but I dress to fit my current body. You will always look better and feel better if you dress the body you have, instead of the body you want to have.
Nope, you still don't have Heidi Klum's figure. Damn.
  • Exposed bra straps - This is a thing that became popular with tweens, probably as a way to let everyone know that they were sprouting enough boob to wear a bra. As a grown up, the only proof we need to see is that your girls are locked and loaded, not all tits-a-floppin'.
Are you 12? No? Then don't do this.
  • Wrong color bra - I don't understand how some women haven't figured out that white bras do not go under white shirts. You can see that shit. Even less understandable are the women who wear bright, super lacy monstrosities under light-colored tops. Perhaps they want it to be noticed, but please ladies: be a skank on your own time. The office isn't the place to sell your boobs to the lowest bidder.
Nothing worse than thinking you look like the woman on the left, but really look like the woman on the right.
  • No bra - I don't care how perky you are, if you have enough boob for it to jiggle when you walk, you need a bra. This is non-negotiable. If I can wake up and put on my over the shoulder boulder holder, you can do it to. Also, if you are older, don't let your tube sock tits just hang around near your belly button. Give the impression that you are fighting back, at least for the hours that you are in public. Put those dogs on a leash.
You are going to injure someone with those.
There are probably more, but these are the major offenses I have unfortunately witnessed.

Fortunately, the air conditioner was fixed. Immediately following that, the weather turned cool, it started pouring, and we all froze our asses off. Of course.


squashculls said...

Hilarious as always! It sounds scarier than people of Walmart, mainly because you actually have to interact with them.

Melissa Bloechl said...

It is extremely scary. I have nightmares...*shivers*

Sylvestrix said...

Bra strap emergence aside (as I accepted long ago that my bra straps are in fact possessed by Houdini, and therefor are impossible to contain), I'm so very, very with you on this!
Have directed several offenders here to educate themselves, especially my tiny-spandex-short-wearing neighbor, who has on more than one occasion exposed himself to the world but fails to see the correlation between this and his terrifying short-shorts!

Melissa Bloechl said...

My bra straps have their own agenda as well. I was mostly referring to people who show their straps intentionally. Like the ones who wear a halter top with a regular bra...those straps are just out there, not even trying to be covered.

Your neighbor sounds terrifying. Perhaps he is trying to lure you in with his "accidental" exposures? You're welcome for that nightmare...

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