Monday, August 27, 2012

Bresticular Asymmetry

Ladies, do you have bresticular asymmetry?

Are your boobs different sizes? No, not from person to person...stop staring at the boobs of the lady next to you. She is probably getting creeped out, even if she is into chicks.
Seriously, cut it out.
I mean, is your right boob a different size than your left boob? Mine is. In fact, my right boob is such an over-achiever that it is almost a whole cup size bigger. So I am a B on my left side, and almost a C on my right. I have named them Stumpy and Megatron, respectively.
What are you looking at?
I was told by my doctor when I was a teenager that this problem would sort itself out by my early twenties, but clearly that is not the case as I remain lopsided and I am going to be 27 this fall...I think it is here to stay.
Told patient with freakishly lopsided bresticles that they would even out. her dreams. Freak.

This lopsidedness creates a boobtacular problem with shirts and dresses, where Megatron likes to hog all of the garment, while Stumpy is so little and weak she can't even fight back. So I end up looking like this:
Megatron, can you just LET IT GO?! You are making everything lean slightly to the right...
Also, have you tried buying bras for this particular problem? If I get a bra to fit Stumpy, Megatron is all "GAH! I'm busting out of here!" But if I buy one to fit Megatron, Stumpy is all like "WHEEEEEE! Time to wiggle and jiggle around like a crazy bowl of Jell-O at a rave!"
Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle, YEAH!

One possible solution to this is to wear a "chicken cutlet" in your bra every single day, but I'll be damned if I am shoving a fake tit under my disproportionately smaller (albeit real) boob everyday.
Also, they feel all plastic-y and rubbery and trap sweat against you so you feel like your  boob
is wrapped in saran wrap. Just what I have always wanted, a boob pruned by my own sweat.
Well, fear not fellow bresticular asymmetry sufferers! You can now purchase your bras in HALVES. This might be the sweetest thing for lopsided boobs ever! I can now conceivably purchase a big ol' holster for Megatron and a little baby holster for Stumpy and they will work together in perfect harmony to promote happiness (mine) and anti-jiggling (them).
The Boob Wars are over, no thanks to you Victoria's Secret...bitch.
One more thing ladies: Don't let any guy get you down about the lopsidedness of your boobs. They are in no position to get all judgmental about dangly bits of anatomy because testicles are weird as hell.
Testicles also sometimes make you do weird things, like attach disembodied balls to your vehicle.
I do not recall ever wanting to attach areolas or labias to my vehicle...


Charleen said...

I've heard that all (natural) breasts are asymmetrical, to some degree. Mine, for what it's worth, are maybe . . . like a quarter of a cup size different? I don't know. It's very slight. Without checking I wouldn't even be able to tell you which one is bigger, I just know I've noticed on occasion that they aren't identical.

And I love how in the description on that link it says "make sure you buy a second cup to go with this one!"

Amy the rockin hairdresser said...

You do know from now on I WILL be looking at your boobs ;)

Melissa Bloechl said...

Charleen: It is good to know that I am not alone, even though I am more lopsided than you. Also, clearly Amazon has had trouble with women only buying one bra cup...that has to be awkward. Maybe you could just duct tape the sucker on there until you can order the other half?

Amy: I am incredibly disappointed. I thought you already checked them out while you did my hair. But if you will be looking now: my right is Megatron, my left is Stumpy. Check that shit out.

Amy the rockin hairdresser said...

I'm sorry that I have disappointed you, in my defense, you are under a big ole cape 3/4 of the time we are together. I'll try harder.

Melissa Bloechl said...

I'll try to make sure I wave them around a little so you notice.

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