Bresticular Asymmetry

Ladies, do you have bresticular asymmetry?

Are your boobs different sizes? No, not from person to person...stop staring at the boobs of the lady next to you. She is probably getting creeped out, even if she is into chicks.

Seriously, cut it out.

I mean, is your right boob a different size than your left boob? Mine is. In fact, my right boob is such an over-achiever that it is almost a whole cup size bigger. So I am a B on my left side, and almost a C on my right. I have named them Stumpy and Megatron, respectively.

What are you looking at?

I was told by my doctor when I was a teenager that this problem would sort itself out by my early twenties, but clearly that is not the case as I remain lopsided and I am going to be 27 this fall...I think it is here to stay.

Told patient with freakishly lopsided bresticles that they would even out.
Pft...in her dreams. Freak.

This lopsidedness creates a boobtacular problem with shirts and dresses, where Megatron likes to hog all of the garment, while Stumpy is so little and weak she can't even fight back. So I end up looking like this:

Megatron, can you just LET IT GO?! You are making everything lean slightly to the right...

Also, have you tried buying bras for this particular problem? If I get a bra to fit Stumpy, Megatron is all "GAH! I'm busting out of here!" But if I buy one to fit Megatron, Stumpy is all like "WHEEEEEE! Time to wiggle and jiggle around like a crazy bowl of Jell-O at a rave!"

Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle, YEAH!

One possible solution to this is to wear a "chicken cutlet" in your bra every single day, but I'll be damned if I am shoving a fake tit under my disproportionately smaller (albeit real) boob everyday.

Also, they feel all plastic-y and rubbery and trap sweat against you so you feel like your  boob
is wrapped in saran wrap. Just what I have always wanted, a boob pruned by my own sweat.
Awesome.

Well, fear not fellow bresticular asymmetry sufferers! You can now purchase your bras in HALVES. This might be the sweetest thing for lopsided boobs ever! I can now conceivably purchase a big ol' holster for Megatron and a little baby holster for Stumpy and they will work together in perfect harmony to promote happiness (mine) and anti-jiggling (them).

The Boob Wars are over, no thanks to you Victoria's Secret...bitch.

One more thing ladies: Don't let any guy get you down about the lopsidedness of your boobs. They are in no position to get all judgmental about dangly bits of anatomy because testicles are weird as hell.

Testicles also sometimes make you do weird things, like attach disembodied balls to your vehicle.
I do not recall ever wanting to attach areolas or labias to my vehicle...