Monday, July 16, 2012

A Letter of Discontent

For those of you who may have tried commenting here and couldn't, I think I fixed the problem...


To the attention of our most esteemed caretaker,

I have been very displeased with your conduct towards me and my companion as of late. We have many points of contention to discuss with you.

First: I would like to point out that we dislike the current housing situation. It lacks the large sunny window and aesthetically-pleasing decor of our normal room. We would like this situation remedied as soon as possible. Also, referring to this new room as our "summer home" is not amusing. We clearly have better taste than that.
The rug however, is nice. Why will you not allow us to run on it?
Second: Stop chastising me for defecating in my food. It is my food, I will do what I like. You are merely here to replenish the supply, not to criticize the placement of my fecal matter. I find it has a very calming effect on the chi of our home. That is, until you spoil it with your excessive nattering.
Also, fecal carpeting is extremely comfortable and difficult to construct.
Why do you insist on removing it after all of our hard work?
Third: Heat wave or not, I did not appreciate you dunking my nether regions in cold water, nor did I appreciate you cooing about how cute I was while I was standing on your hand clearly trying to escape said torment. Clearly you have a cold, cold heart...probably as cold as that water was on my unmentionables.
No, I do not believe we will be conversing today. Or ever again.
Fourth: My compatriot has informed me of a very distasteful incident that involved a Q-tip, mineral oil, and his rear end. Please cease and desist this unacceptable and horrendous behavior at once. It is uncomfortable and embarrassing, and frankly I am horrified that this even had to be addressed.
Fifth: When you take us on excursions to the grassy plain at the rear of the domicile, please be cognizant of the fact that we are in public. We would like you to exercise some degree humility and respect as we have a dignified reputation to uphold. Do not call us "Cute Boys", "Figgle-Piggle", "Fizz-Pig", "Little lumps of love" or "Snuggle Pigs"...and for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT sing the "Spider Pig" song.
Your caterwauling is hurting my pride. And my ears.


Figulous (Fig) Bloechl

Prince of Pellets, Duke of Hayfield, Earl of Endive, Baron of the Cardboard Chewies, Royal Knight Companion of the most Loyal Order of the Popcorn
Great Seal of the Arch Duchy of Cavy
Eat Sleep Poop


Charleen said...

Aw, but the Spider Pig song is just so catchy! "Spider pig, spider pig, does whatever a spider pig does..."

Melissa Bloechl said...

It is. I just can't NOT sing it to them...

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