The Perils of Self-Checkout

Self-checkout lines are awesome for many reasons. Lines are usually shorter. I bag my own stuff, so I only have myself to blame if the bread gets squished, my apples get bruised, or whatever. I don’t have to make awkward chitchat with the cashier about the price of tampons and condoms going up (This. Fucking. Happened. And no, SHE initiated that bizarre topic of conversation, not me. And I wasn’t buying either of those items).

Cause of the recession?

Having said that, there are instances where the self-checkout turns into the ninth circle of hell. That’s right, THOSE people. The ones who apparently can’t slap their ass with both hands, and yet somehow think they are competent enough to use the self-checkout machine. And they are always right in front of you in line, just mocking you with their criminal levels of stupidity.



I have seen many examples of this since self-checkout first became a thing, and I understood at first. Everything was all new and weird, and the stupid scanner voice lady yelled at you to “place your item in the bag”, even though you totally fucking did it already and now she is just being an electronic, judgmental bitch. It was an adjustment period, and I get that.



Now, I have no mercy. My grandmother, the most technologically-challenged person of the face of the Earth (Sorry Grandma…someone will probably read this to you because you can’t work the interwebs), can run this thing like a fucking CHAMP, so there is no excuse for you. Here is a list of things you have to able to do in order to be deemed “ready” to use the self-checkout lane:

• Find a goddamn barcode in less than a minute.

• Realize that produce doesn’t always have barcodes. For this conundrum, there is a clearly marked “Look Up Item” button, or “Enter Item Number” field. Don’t look blankly at your bananas as if you expect them to tell you what to do, they don’t fucking know.

• There is a method to the madness. All of the self-checkout lanes I have ever been in work with the same basic process: Scan barcode/enter item number, enter quantity/weigh (if required), bag, and re-goddamn-peat. Don’t get all fancy and try to weigh you shit first or something. The system only works one way and it will reject your feeble attempts to rebel against the process. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

• Don’t try to do multiple methods of payment. This makes everyone want to strangle you with your string cheese. Just use ONE of the payment methods available. Don’t try to pay for 1/8 in cash, 1/4 on your credit card and the rest with a gift card. If for some reason you have to make a complicated payment, go to a lane with a human cashier.

If you cannot meet these minimum requirements, please direct yourself to the regular checkout lanes. Don’t make that poor, underpaid kid supervising the self-checkout want to stab his eyes out with a potato peeler by making him run back to your machine every 5 seconds because you just can’t grasp how it works.

If you ask me about your bananas again, I'm going to claw my eyes out.