Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Love Letters

This is just a collection of love notes I would like to give out during the day.

Dear Neighbor with the Constantly Barking Dog, 
It is bad enough during the day, but must your dog bark like a fucktard at six in the morning? No, I'm not mad at the dog, I am mad at you for not teaching him to shut the fuck up.
<3 Me
Dear Road Construction Crews Behind My House,
Why are you always backing up your trucks? Is that their constant state of being? The beeping never fucking stops. FUCKING STOP IT.
<3 Me
"Shut the fuck up, Jerry."

Dear Garbage Guys,
Why do you block my driveway for ten fucking minutes while I am trying to leave for work? This is not productive.
<3 Me
"Um...Oh! I know! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!...Fuck, this is stupid."
Dear Road Paint Truck Guy,
Remember that time you tried to back up over my car even though I was clearly behind you and made sure to maintain correct distance from your vehicle specifically so you would be able to see me? I remember.
<3 Me
Dear Confused Guy at the Tollbooth,
There are only 3 lanes to choose from. Pick one, don't dart back and forth screwing everyone else up. Asshole.
<3 Me
Dear Slow Guy on the Highway,
If you can't even do the speed limit, why the hell are you in the fast lane? I've got places to be. It's like you WANT me to hate you.
<3 Me
Come on...3 MPH more and you'll be going the speed limit. You can do it.
Dear People in the Parking Lot at Work,
I regret to inform you that you park like an asshole. Next time you park, think to yourself,"Am I being an asshole?" before exiting your vehicle.
<3 Me
"Congrats, fucker! Now you need a bottle of lube to squeeze into your car!"
Dear On-the-road Sales Guy,
I am not IT support. I don't know why the Mac you HAD to have is frozen. Perhaps it has something to do with the 140 applications you have open that are all trying to run complex tasks simultaneously. And no, you can't send a 5 GB file to me via regular email.
<3 Me
Oh damn. Not the spinning rainbow pinwheel of death!
Dear Same On-the-road Sales Guy,
Why did you send me that 5 GB file when I just told you not to? Your file is not a special snowflake. There are NO exceptions to the 10 MB limit rule we have in place. Now you have locked up my email. WHY DO YOU DO THIS?
<3 Me
Dear Phantom Printer,
I don't know who you are or why you leave all of your printouts on my printer and never pick them up, but the bigger question is: Why are you specifically using my color copier to copy and print black and white pages of text when we literally have 30 other black and white printers in the building?
<3 Me
I will find you and I will bury your office in all the prints you have left on my machine.
Dear Manic Sports Guys of the Office,
You scare me on a deep level. I don't want you to go on a rampage, but please understand that I don't have time to Photoshop you into a picture of the Patriots winning the Super Bowl, the Red Sox winning the World Series, or the Bruins winning the Stanley Cup. Also, you might want to calm down when your team loses, otherwise I am pretty sure that throbby vein in your forehead is going to become its own sentient being, and just be filled with rage.
<3 Me
Dear Avid Bicyclist in the Office,
Please don't walk around in just your tiny spandex shorts. You have scarred the janitor and I for life. The janitor has said that he has even caught you walking around naked. Please, no. He came here from Brazil for a better life, man. Not to see your white ass traipsing around all balls-a-floppin'. There is not enough brain bleach in the world for that. It may be after normal work hours, but some people in the office work late and the attached factory is 24 hours. Think of your coworkers.
<3 Me

Thank you for your cooperation. <3 Me


Valerie said...

I bet those trucks just back up continuously in a circle to wake everyone up whilst they giggle... That's what I'd do, anyway!



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