Monday, September 17, 2012

Domestically Challenged, Part Trois

This is part three of my Domestically Challenged series. In case you missed it, visit part one and part two. How many parts will there be? I don’t know. There will continue to be new “entries” whenever I find something domestic that I am inept at, so this could very well go on forever.

This entry is regarding house plants. Or just plants in general. I kill them.
If you give me a plant or expect me to take care of one of yours,
you have sentenced it to certain death.
Currently in my house I have a little palm-like tree, a Christmas cactus, two shoots of bamboo, a citronella (it usually lives outside, but has to be brought in for winter), and a tropical tree/plant thingy that are alive. I used to have three shoots of bamboo, but...
Do you have any idea how hard this shit is to kill?!
I killed it very effectively without any effort at all.
The reason the rest are still alive is probably because I don't touch them. I also make David water them. In fact I am forbidden from touching the tropical tree/plant thingy because it's David's and it has flourished since he rescued it, half-dead, from a dark shelf in Walmart.
Mostly because I don't touch it and I try not to breathe near it...
Most houseplants have very few steps in their maintenance plan: water, sunlight, moderate environment, maybe a little isn't a hard plan to follow.
"Maybe you are just a dumbass."  - The Plants
It's not like I don't try, but clearly all of my plants are suicidal. I water them weekly (bi-weekly for cacti). I make sure the shade plants have shade and the sun plants have sun. I have even bought the little Miracle Gro fertilizer sticks and followed the directions exactly. I re-pot them when (if?) they get too big for their container. I have tried watering plants more if they are looking crispy or less if they are looking spongy. Despite all of this, all plants invariably succumb to my "care."
Oh, goddamnit! I just bought you ten minutes ago!
Apparently I should just stick with air ferns...I am like the Scourge of Plants, which is the shittiest super power ever because indoor plants are pretty. 


Tash said...

Try some air orchids - they are very cool, and all you do is hang them or suspend them somewhere we=here they will get good air circulation/flow around the leaves. Then spray 'em every once in a while.

That said... I had two once and I killed 'em. 0_0

Audra said...

I bought three mint plants from the store. They all died. I brought home two plants from work. They died. My girls and I planted 4 seedlings which grew for 3 weeks until they died as well. Sigh.

I decided to try my hand one more time and brought home two more plants from work. They looked a little crunchy and sad for a couple weeks and then I named then LaFern and Shirley and I kid you not, they are still alive. Beats the shit out of me as to why.

Melissa Bloechl said...

Tash: Air orchids?! I have never heard of such a plant. Hmmm...I shall have to see if I can find one around here.

Audra: I'm sorry you are also the Scourge of Plants. But note to self – named plants may live longer. I am going to name my bamboo shoots KungFu and Panda, my tropical spikey thing Tyrone (because it looks like an afro on a really tall guy) and my Christmas cactus can be Jesus (because Christmas). I don't think David would appreciate me naming his plant...

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