I'm Trying

Guys, I am really sorry about not posting on Friday. I have been dealing with my own shit for the past month and I'm trying to keep it together, but I have been failing miserably.

Between the panic attacks (three this morning since I got to work), and the crippling level of depression that makes me want to curl up in a ball and not move ever again, I just don't know what to do. Mentally, emotionally, and physically, I just haven't been able to cope with life in general for a month and that sucks. I want to go to the doctor, but I don't want them to tell me I need more drugs, or that I need to be in a padded room.

I just want to be me again, and I don't know how to do that.

I will try to post when I can.

Happy Shit – 7/26/13

Hi guys. It has been a rough, draining week emotionally for me. I'm still combating the residual effects of the week-long panic attack and dealing with a bout of depression.

Pretty much sums up how I feel right now.

Here is an awesome video about recognizing that depression is real, that it isn't just about feeling sad and that we aren't going to get anywhere by ignoring it and hoping it will take care of itself. Thank you Facebook friend for the link, even though it wasn't specifically posted to my page, it really came at a good time.

I had a superior at work tell me that depression isn't real and that I should "get over it."

Anyway, no need for me to depress all of you. I still managed to find some good stuff this week, starting with the fun fact of the week: Karaoke is a word from Japan that was formed by joining two words kara- from karappo which means empty; and oke which is a short form for Okesutura and means orchestra. The full name karaoke means "empty orchestra".

Hello? Shit, where are all the musicians?!
Well...Buckle up bitches, I'll just have to sing this thing.

And now, HAPPY SHIT! Fuck yeah.

First up, the Dalek Relaxation Tape.

RE-LAX-A-TION!

I came across the Off the Great Wall channel on YouTube this week and there are quite a few funny videos, like this one: N.A.N.N.Y. for Chinese Students.

Results in 24 hours!

And this one from the same channel: Christmas with Chinese Parents.

For those who don't get the Tiger Christmas thing, Tiger Mom and Eagle Dad are what the stereotypical over-bearing Chinese parents are called.

And the style of the last video was based on the POWERTHIRST video, which is an old one, but I think it is hilarious.

POWERTHIRST! BE UNCOMFORTABLY ENERGETIC!

And Men Explain: Purses.

"Imagine there are no pockets..."
I don't have to imagine. THAT IS THE WORLD I LIVE IN. Women's clothing has a disturbing lack of usable pockets, thus we carry a purse. Mystery: SOLVED.

And Men Explain: Tampons.

It...it looks like a manta ray...

And a brand new True Facts: Owls.

Baby owls look like a cotton ball that grew a face. And legs.

And that is it for this week. I really need to get back into my Monday writing schedule...

Happy Shit – 7/19/13

Hello everybody.

I am terribly sorry about last week and the lack of Happy Shit. Here is what went down: I had a panic attack that lasted all week (apparently that can happen), culminating an ER visit for hives and both aching and shooting pain in my right shoulder, upper back, and intercostal muscles (the ones that overlay your ribs). 

The green circled areas indicate where the "owies" were.

The people at the ER proceeded not to listen to me about my other symptoms (scattered and racing thoughts, rapid heart beat, general feelings of doom) and basically implied that I was wasting their time with a pulled muscle. They gave me a muscle relaxant prescription and sent me away. That night, I took said prescription and although it knocked me out for 2.5 hours, I was back to pain and awfulness right after that, so I went to see my regular doctor and she put me on a muscle relaxant and anti-anxiety medication which worked awesomely. All in all, I am okay now, though I still feel emotionally drained.

Now, weather update: WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK MOTHER NATURE?! It has been hotter than fried hell here and twice as humid for the past two weeks.

And, for once, I am okay with that.

And now fun fact for last week: The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. 

Not to be confused with aiguillettes, which are the same damn thing but only for decorative purposes, like on military uniforms.

And fun fact for this week: Though illegal in most parts of the world, dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

My name is Indigo Montoya and I am a BLOOD DONOR!

And now, HAPPY SHIT!

The Wolverine movie comes out next week and I am cautiously excited about it.

And I don't care what anyone says, I like Hugh Jackman as Wolverine.

Flula has though of many sequels to Sharknado.

This is one of the first images that came up when I searched for cow-nami...not really what I was going for, but I like it.

This gif on how to tell when a dog has been in the water too long almost made me pee.

 And this collection of uncomfortably sexual logos (thank you Facebook friend).

The words say "breeding centre," but the logo says Chimpanzee Fisting Centre.

Taylor Davis is starting to post some of her own work instead of just doing covers. I think this piece is rather lovely.

 This gif of a penguin sliding along, not giving a shit.

Not one penguin shit was given.

This cute short film entitled Traffic Warden (starring David Tennant) about finding love. Kinda reminds me of Paperman.

Just David Tennant, doing his David Tennant thing...

The official trailer for the second installment of the Hobbit!

I love these books. Have I mentioned that? Because I do.

And this photo made me laugh (Valerie, I thought of you...)

Fuck yeah, Gambit.

And this gif of an outraged cat.

And finally, the comment I got on this photo today (which I shared on my Facebook page because I share horribly wrong photos everyday) made me laugh forever.  My coworkers thought something was wrong with me...well, more than usual.

"As if clowns weren't creepy enough, now someone expects people to wash their hands using bubbly clown semen."
Thank you, Facebook friend. Thank you.

I hope you all are staying cool and that you have awesome plans for the weekend.

I have high hopes that mine will include copious amounts of napping.

Happy Shit – 7/5/13

Happy Independence Day for yesterday! I hope you were all safe and that no one blew anyone up with fireworks or set anyone on fire with their grill or anything.

DERP.

This is going to be relatively quick as I have the day off today! YEAH

Fun fact of the day: The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottles represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.

How are there that many kinds of pickles?

 And HAPPY SHIT! WOO!

Stan Lee flipping out and doing parkour. Note: Obviously the stunts are not really Stan Lee, as he is 90 goddamn years old. These are the guys that did all the awesome shit.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry, I can promise you that.

Speed Dating Superheroes (and the deleted scenes are here).

I'm into water sports...

Speed Dating Villains (and the deleted scenes are here).

Children are most definitely off the table. I am a HORRIBLE father...

And The Ninja Song.

Dammit nunchucks...I'm ninjaing here!

OMG! FINALLY! A NEW ASK A MORTICIAN!

Corpses, corpses rotting in a tree...

And this gif.

Fire? Hang on, I got this shit.

I would like to thank one of my Facebook friends for this one: Wearable Computer with a Bonus.

This thing does everything, and IT SUCKS YOUR DICK!

And this cover of Game of Thrones by Flula.

Yes, he is in a bathroom. No, I don't know why.

And that's it! I'll see you next week! <3 Me

Reasons that Summer Sucks

I have a love/hate relationship with seasons. I like that we get warm and cold weather, I like that we get snow (sometimes), I like the pretty leaves in the fall; however, it always seems that I get used to one season and then BAM! A different one is there, ruining my day with all of its special demands.

Here are the reasons I hate summer:

More Laundry

I do believe we are all well acquainted with how I feel about laundry on a normal basis, but if not click here and read all about it. 

Dear Laundry: Fuck you, you fucking bitch-whore twat-waffle. I hope you burn in hell. <3 Me

You may be thinking,"But Melissa! It is summer! People traditionally wear less clothing because it is warm." You are either a better being than I or a poor, misguided human being. The daily flux of rising temperatures and random, out-of-nowhere cool snaps mean more outfit changes per day.

Well, it started out at 60 this morning, then it was 90 degrees early this afternoon, but within the space of an hour the temperature dropped to 45. Boom! Two or three clothing changes right there in one goddamn day.

Also, if you are a normal human (unlike me), you wear swimsuits that also need washing. And make sure it is a special load so as not to get chlorine on your regular clothes, and so you don't make the swimsuit fabric all faded and weak so it tears when you try to put it on next.

Swimwear gives me nightmares.

Roving Hordes of Children

Let me just say up front, I do not hate children but summer means no school, and that means there are children everywhere. Sometimes they are charming, adorable, and fun; but, more often than not, any encounter with children I have in the summer is not at all charming. They are running down aisles, pulling things off of shelves and racks, screaming, crying, and having all out temper tantrums.

Go ahead, deny me a juice box. Do it. I dare you.

And if it isn't the young kids, it is the roving gangs of asshole pre-teens at any clothing establishment. They yell obscenities, are rude to everyone, are stealing everything, and are generally behaving like...well, assholes. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR PARENTS?!

Yes, we are all very impressed that you said "fuck" ten times, right in front of all those small children, and then stuck that dress you didn't pay for in your gigantic purse.

And if that wasn't enough fun, then you can step outside and get run over by the first time drivers that actively want to kill you to impress the friends they are driving around with.

These bitches will totally touch my penis if I burn out of the parking lot and almost kill us all! Bitches love that shit!

Exercise

Winter is awesome, if for no other reason than I can hide any weight I have put on with multiple layers of clothing. Then summer comes along and bitch slaps you right on that hidden fat roll with its shorts and tank tops and cute dresses. And then as you try to be good so you can fit into last summer's clothes, it teases you with ice cream treats.

Hey fatass, LOOK AT HOW DELICIOUS I AM.

Weather

The weather in New England is notoriously unpredictable and fickle at any time of year, but never is that more of an issue than in the summer when you are trying to plan time off from work, especially for outdoor activities. You will have a hot, 90-degree day and the next day it will be 50 degrees and raining hypothermia from the uncaring sky.

I'm so confused. And cold. And dirty....ew, what the hell am I doing?

Let's just talk about the heat.

• AC
  Almost none of the buildings here are equipped to deal with summer heat. Most buildings are old and drafty with no built in air conditioning, some aren't that old and yet still somehow have no air conditioning, still others technically have air conditioning but it never functions properly (especially not when it is actually hot outside), and if a place does miraculously have air conditioning that works, no one seems to know how to turn it off of the "make your ass into a popsicle" setting, so you freeze to death. There is no middle ground. Ever.
  

  

  Oh hey, welcome to my icy cave of death! Uh...I mean, office!

• The car...IT BURNS.
  You get into your car and EVERYTHING. FUCKING. BURNS.

GAH! I touched the steering wheel!

• Help! I'm stuck!I hate having to peel my thighs off of vinyl or leather seats at restaurants.

Are you and I going to have a problem, buddy?

• Passive-Aggressive Stores
  They punish you for leaving with a blast of icy air just as you step out the door, and then the heat outside feels a billion times worse.

Dear god, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

Tourists and Traffic

If you have ever wondered where the phrase,"You can't there from here" came from, it was from New England. Our road systems are based mostly on the original 1700s roads, which means lots of narrow streets, one way roads, dead ends, and awkward intersections.

Ah, Boston. So picturesque, yet you want to stab something if you have to drive or park there.
Side note: Fuck you, Storrow Drive...

If you add in people who are enamoured by the quaintness and are also lost as fuck, those roads become a goddamn nightmare. Minivans and SUVs with out of state plates just packed with kids and loaded down with everything they own cut in front of you, change lanes sporadically (without blinkers) at the last minute, and slow way down if they pass a particularly scenic spot or a turn they aren't sure if they should take.

I don't care if that WAS the exit you needed, you don't slam on your breaks and BACK UP on the fucking highway.

People I also hate who are not necessarily tourists: 

• People that drive with all their windows down while cranking the WORST music ever. 
• People who drive with all their windows down and smoke the smelliest cigarettes ever while everyone is stuck right next to them in traffic.

Bees, bugs and pests

David fucking hates bees and if he sees one, he will bust out the bee poison and spray it at anything that remotely resembles a bee, no matter if it is inside or outside.

Bee?! *SPSHHHHHHHHH*

Fashion

Being of the vagina-having gender and apparently part Wookie, I having to spend forever shaving and plucking everything before going out in the summer. If you spend the time to de-Wookie properly (not the panicked "Shit! I'm gonna be late!" shave), you get made fun of for taking forever. If you don't, you're a hairy beast monster. 

Just me and some of the girls, hanging out!

I have already covered atrocious summer "fashion," I am just going to reiterate some of the basics:

• Fat guys without shirts: NO.

  

  Dude, holster those man-tits.

• Spandex: NO.
  

  

  I made this for a guy at work who was sick of the bike-unitard-wearing guy visiting him in full spandex regalia.

• Tiny shorts on men (or women who just can't pull it off): NO.
  

  

  Stop it. Stop it RIGHT GODDAMN NOW.