Fuck This Day

Seriously, fuck this day with a porcupine's tail. Right in the asshole.

Monday night, I was driving home and I had to pee. However, it wasn't a normal,"Hey, I've kinda got to pee" feeling. It was more of a,"HOLY SHIT, I MUST URINATE NOW!" kind of feeling. I know that feeling. I HATE THAT FEELING. That feeling means a UTI, and of course all the doctor's offices are already closed. Because OF COURSE THEY ARE.

Hey, we decided that we are only going to be open during the hours you work. Also, we will be closed during lunchtime. For your convenience.

Since I am not made of money, I can't afford a trip to the ER. When I went in July for my panic attacks, they charged me almost $900 just to look at me and tell me it was a pulled muscle (which, of course, it wasn't). They didn't listen to me or even give me any fun drugs...so yeah, fuck that. Guess I am riding this bitch out 'til morning.

"A pulled muscle? But what about my heart racing and my difficulty breathing?"
"You hang in there sunshine! Tough that shit out!"
"Um...okay...?"

Because I get these lovely infections a lot, when I got home I commenced with the normal plan which is to drink ALL of the water. On a side note, I also bought some blackcurrant juice on my way home, in place of the normal cranberry juice they tell you to drink (I hate cranberry juice) and it was pretty awesome.

And if you put it in a pretty glass, it looks like wine.

Anyway, I woke up the next morning in some serious pain. I called in sick and waited until eight when my doctor's office opens. My primary care doctor usually just calls in a prescription for me, I go the pharmacy and then I go home and try to relax while the pain slowly subsides. That was not to be this morning. My doctor was out of the office, and the covering physician would not call in the prescription without a urinalysis (despite the fact that it is in my file that it is okay to do so without it).

"Um, yeah...I'm gonna need you to piss in a cup for my enjoyment." - Covering physician, part-time asshole

With my insurance it costs $300 to go to a lab and do the test (referral or not). Shockingly, I opted to just go to the local urgent care which my insurance covers completely instead. That was a horrible miscalculation on my part. Have you ever been in an urgent care facility at around 8:30 in the morning on a weekday?

Blue hairs. Blue hairs EVERYWHERE.
(Do other parts of the country call old people "blue hairs"? If not let me explain: it is in reference to the older people who have their hair chemically treated so it is all a uniform white color, often so white it is bluish looking)

I have nothing against old people. I love my grandparents. I love my husband's grandparents. But these people...these people are THOSE old people. The ones that are bitching about everything, loudly over-sharing things that really shouldn't be shared, and hocking a loogie right next to you.

I'm too hot. Turn down the thermostat. Did you turn it down? I thought so. You turned it down too much. Now I'm too cold. This isn't good for my condition. Speaking of conditions, just the other day I was talking to Phyllis about vaginal dryness and she said there is this vibrator...cough, cough, cough, HOCK-PTOOIE!

I waited for an hour with this horde (...flock...what does one call a group of old people?), but it was all worth it. I was in and out of there in no time, with a prescription already called in. WOO-HOO! To celebrate my escape from the clinic and to waste time while waiting for my prescription to be filled, I treated myself to a quick breakfast.

Sadly, I did not get a "happy ending" with my eggs and toast. Guess that is just for the afternoon crowd.

I then ventured to the pharmacy, my goal of going home to curl up into the fetal position was finally within reach! But cruelly, it was snatched away as I was informed that my insurance "wasn't able to accept any claims for the day" but if I could wait until tomorrow, they could process it then. Um...FUCK NO.

YES! SMASH! And then cry for a bit because I hurt...please, just give me the drugs. Please. *whimpering*

I told them I would pay the $15 for the damn thing, I just needed it today. He said he would have to revoke the insurance claim and it would take about 10 minutes. Forty-five minutes later, I was still at the pharmacy, in pain and seriously pissed off. However, I maintained my goddamn composure because I am a fucking lady and kindly informed him that I was in pain and that I would really like my medication. Please. 

PLEASE?

Then the asshat informs me that it has been ready for a while. Oh, hell no. NO. I told him I was waiting. I was sitting three feet from this jackass the entire time, he couldn't have just said,"it's ready" or something? Apparently, I am just supposed to feel when the time is right with my fucking force powers?!

Maybe I'll just shoot a lightening bolt right at your dick while I'm at it, you incompetent motherfucker.

Needless to say, the other five people who had also been waiting were a little miffed that he was an inefficient douchcake, as he had neglected to tell them that their prescriptions were ready too. When I left, he was getting a serious dressing down by a very angry old lady, while her husband stood by smirking.

Oh no sonny, I'm not gonna call her off. You're on your own.

And so, my journey was at an end. I went home, took my medication, and played Ticket to Ride on my iPad until I felt sleepy and then I took a nap. The-fucking-end.