Happy Shit – 1/4/12

Hi! I'm not dead! I have been on vacation with a semi-broken computer at home that belongs to David, I did not want to be the one responsible for making it fully broken...hence the lack of posts.


I hope you had a lovely holiday season, whatever you celebrate. And if you don't celebrate anything, I still hope you had a good last couple of weeks. My Christmas was awesome. Here are a couple of presents I got...well, they are mine in the sense that they are joint gifts that I have to share with David. So, mine.

Motherfucking iPad.

Kick-ass stainless steel microwave.

And then my present from David, even though we don't get each other gifts normally...

Holy shit! Wampa mit!
(Did you see that Dr. Seuss rhyming shit I did there? Yeah. That's how I roll.)

That's right people, I am the proud owner of the WAMPA ICE SCRAPER I posted about! And it actually works really well as a scraper, so it isn't just beauty with no substance! HUZZAH!

Anyway, let's jump right in with the fun fact of the week: Coffee was so scarce in WWII Germany that the Allies dropped "coffee bombs" (AKA – big ass bags of coffee) to try and turn the people against the government.

Holy shit! Delicious coffee is what made all those Nazis go to South America to hide!
IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

And now the list of shit that made me happy! YAY!

I love this list of the most WTF animal pictures of the 2012.

Um. I am pretty sure this is illegal in most countries...

This web comic on awful logo design was hysterically accurate...

And then add a LENS FLARE and some COMIC SANS!!!

This video of a crazy cat lady song. Seriously, I almost peed.

No, you can't. Also, some of them are kinda bitey and scratchy...

This guinea pig is IN YOUR MIND!

I see that you are thinking of...Dude! Ew! WHAT THE HELL?!

I used to like doing cross stitch, but I had nowhere to put the finished products because they aren't really my style. I may pick it up again just to make some of these!

I can think of a few people at the office who are going to get this lovely handmade piece of art!

I think my gmail trash folder knows that I am crazy...

And yes, my gmail background theme is goddamn ninjas.

And lastly, our tiny Taco-rita party (not to be confused with Tacorrhea, which is just horrible) we had last week was awesome, even though we didn't actually have margaritas because the liquor store is a pansy and closed because of the snow storm. We also played Risk, which is a pretty awesome (but very long) game in which you find out that your husband is a huge Genghis Khan-esque douche-cake that likes to take continents from people who don't have that much to begin with...ahem...yes, so it was fun.

Once I owned almost all of Asia...then suddenly, I had nothing.

And that is the list this week. I will be back on the regular schedule of posting now...Well, until some holiday or work or something ruins it again, so see you all on Monday!

Happy Shit – 12/21/12

This was the longest week in the history of ever. I am officially on vacation today at 1:30pm and I can't fucking wait. Guess what I will be doing? Lots of nothing! Then painting my kitchen and my dining room. And then more nothing! It's going to be awesome.

Fun fact of the week: Female koala bears have two vaginas and male koala bears have a bifurcated (forked) penis.

Haha, now all you can think about is its penises. Pervert.

First and foremost, I went to the movie theater and saw The Hobbit, which is a huge deal for me because I haven't gone in years due to anxiety and the constant threat of panic attacks. Well, I fucking made it! And the movie was good! And (best part) no panic attacks AT ALL! YAY ME!

LOOK! I'm still alive! But very tired!
IN YOUR FACE THEATER GODS!

Kind of related to the whole Hobbit thing: I love that the viking and dwarf hats on Etsy keep getting more elaborate every year.

It says,"I want to pillage," but in a stately and elegant way.

I got an early Christmas present from David (even though we don't usually get each other presents). It is a sonic screwdriver flashlight! SONIC. SCREWDRIVER. FLASHLIGHT.

Mine is the one on the right, as I like the 10th doctor more than the 11th.
Just my preference, I still love the current doctor and the 9th doctor.

While we are on the subject of Doctor Who, here is the former cast singing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas."

No sonic screwdriver is going to fix the tuning here.

If cats were on Pinterest absolutely cracked me up.

The fancier the dress the better the bed will be!

For those of you who have been sick: First, stay the hell away from me. Second, here are some tips for how to keep it together at work while you are all cracked out on cold medicine.

And then you faceplant your keyboard from expending all that effort to look aware.

Here is NASA's take on today's threat of apocalypse.

You believe the world is going to end today? Well...Aren't you just a special kind of stupid!

The fact that this hotel exists intrigues and scares me. Also, the fact that the news here in NH felt that it needed to report its existence still baffles me.

Take a good long look. Yup, that is where poop comes from.

 You know you should give up your life as a desperate drug mule when this happens.

Guess where these were found.

What the hell is wrong with the world when cats are eating more expensive food than me?

"Pet owners excited over results"?
Um, no. Those pet owners have lost their goddamn minds.

For those of you who just want to see hilarious GIFs of cats all day, here is the site for you.

That cat is going to shit on everything you own when he lands.

Another Neil Patrick Harris puppet thing entitled "To Catch a Puppeteer." It is pretty creepy and wrong.

He wants to put his hand in a puppet. Aw yeah.

Finally! Someone tells me what happens to boiling water if you throw it outside in a Russian winter!

No worries, it is only -41 goddamn degrees outside.
He is referring to -41 Celsius. The conversion is -41.8 degrees Fahrenheit,
AKA pretty fucking cold.

If I had to picture what Fruit Ninja would be like if it existed in real life, this is what I would picture.

That horse is like,"What the fuck did I do to deserve this?"

I know I already told you to watch The Piano Guys, but this a pretty epic version of Rudolph.

What the fuck is this madness?!

I squeed so hard when I watched this rendition of Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas song. Sung by guinea pigs.

Me? I want a HOOOOOOLA HOOOOOOP!

And finally in keeping with the spirit of the season and trying to remind you that not everyone has gone batshit insane, I bring you 26 moments that will restore your faith in humanity.

Most considerate parents ever?

And that is it for this week! I may or may not post on Monday, it depends on how busy I get. Hopefully I will get a chance to write and proof-read this weekend...If I don't post on Monday, have a lovely holiday (if you celebrate, if not, have a lovely day regardless)!

Commuting 2: More Assholes

I have bitched about some of the types of drivers I commute with on a regular basis before. I figured today I would add a few more to the list. Mostly because I am fucking freezing in my office and I can't think of anything intelligent to write about.

It's colder than Frosty's asshole in here.

*All diagrams are made in accordance with driving on the left. People who drive on the right, adjust accordingly.

The Backseat Driver

Ah, the backseat driver. Always up in your business telling you to go faster. And no I am not talking about that asshole in your morning carpool who acts like everyone's dick of a Driver's Ed teacher from high school. I am talking about the douchecanoe who won't peel himself off of your back bumper. For ANY reason. Rain? Nope. Ice? Fuck that shit. It is like they want to be right in your backseat, chilling with you, so they are going to get as close as they possibly can.

Probably because they want to be a part of my kick-ass vehicular sing and dance party.

How to know if it is happening to you:
Where it occurs: Anywhere and everywhere

Characteristics: They always act like you are going way too slow and just want you to pull over so they can go be an asshole to someone else.

Alternate names: Trunk Wart, Bumper Tumor, Tailgater, Ass-Sniffer

Warnings: They especially love to strike in stop and go situations because clearly that will make everyone move faster and not slower and more nervous of their proximity. 

The Synchronized Swimmers

Ugh, these people are collectively a gigantic bag of dicks. They line up and match speed with the car in the lane next to them. Then the guy in the lane next to them matches that car's pace. Pretty soon you have a line of of synchronized fucktards all the way across all the lanes of the highway that is both impenetrable and unpassable. And inexplicably they are always going under the speed limit.

Yeah, you guys are the goddamn Blue Angels of the highway.
Now, get the fuck out of the way.

How to know if it is happening to you:
Where it occurs: Multi-lane roads

Characteristics: A line of cars across all lanes going the same speed, making an impenetrable wall of suckage.

Warnings: They love to strike when you are running late. In fact, I would say they live for those moments.

The Weaving Giant

On my commute, I have to get on a big ass highway called I-95. For those of you who may not be familiar with that highway, it is the main thoroughfare that connects the entire Eastern seaboard, from Maine all the way to Florida. 

It is the red one.

Because it is such a major artery, I often encounter "wide loads" that take up 2 of the 4 available lanes. Sometimes they are carrying pre-fab houses, other times they are pieces to gigantic windmills, or huge fucking pine trees. Regardless, these guys usually stick to the right side of the road and you can easily get around them in the other two available lanes.

The particular problem I have is when they DON'T stay in their lane. Occasionally, I will encounter one that wants to change lanes like he is in a tiny sports car instead of a gigantic truck with a house on the back of it. Right lanes, middle lanes, left lanes, all the way over to the right again...

What do you mean you want to be in the left lane?! You were just fucking there!
Goddammit.

How to know if it is happening to you:
Where it occurs: Multi-lane roads that can handle "wide load" traffic.

Characteristics: A tractor trailer carrying a ridiculously gigantic load tries to live out its Fast and Furious dreams.

Warnings: That is one big-ass vehicle to be whipping around, so be careful and maintain your distance. Passing may be possible, but proceed with caution.

The Absentminded Professor

This one might just be an OCD thing for me, but I fucking hate when someone leaves their blinker on.

I will stab you.

They turn on the road and you get a tiny bit of fuzzy satisfaction because they used their blinker and didn't cut you off. Then they stomp all over that fuzzy feeling by letting their the blinker just keep on blinking. Forever.

FOR. EV. ER.

How to know if it is happening to you:
Where it occurs: Anywhere.

Characteristics: Fucking. Blinker. Won't. Stop. GAAAAAAAH!!!

Warnings: You will want to stab them, but you can't because we both know you are too pretty for prison.

I will probably keep coming up with these because people are forever coming up with new ways to annoy me, on the road and off.

Happy Shit – 12/14/12

Hi all. I barely survived this week because work was dumb. I need a nap.

Random fact of the day: A chipmunk can store about a teaspoon worth of food in each cheek.

Hiya. I have two teaspoons of deliciousness in here and it is all for me!

And now, shit that made me happy this week:

First: HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU GUYS THE HOBBIT COMES OUT TODAY!!!

I love Tolkien AND Martin Freeman. This movie might break my mind with awesomeness.

Ahem...anyway...continuing with my list:

The friendship of Tara and Bella. It made me cry because it is such a moving, unusual friendship.

"Pet my my entire tummy all at once Tara!" – Bella the Dog

Because it is almost Christmas, I will share with you one of my most favorite Christmas songs by Jonathan Coulton. There is enslavement, forced labor, and robot overlords...uh, I mean Protectors...

Festive Doom!

And that video led me to another song I love by the same guy called Todd the T1000.

He is making a fist, one finger at a time...

And that led me to another video for Valerie: the song "RE: Your Brains" (also by the same guy).

Pretty much, Jonathan Coulton is awesome and you should check out all of his shit.

Zombie mantra.

And for those of you who haven't seen it, here is Breaking the Barrier.

Oh hell no, you stinky-ass motherfucker. YOU WILL PAY.
Where are my beans?!

Puppets and Neil Patrick Harris: Valerie, this isn't the same one that you shared. THEY MADE MORE. Fuck yeah! Also, Neil Patrick Harris is the shit. If you say he isn't, you are objectively wrong and someone will be by your house shortly to punch you in the face.

I can't eat this! It's beaver! I don't eat beaver...

Then we have a bunch of wonderful feelings from Max No Sleeves.

New book smell: WONDERFUL.

This totally kick-ass "Theme from Rohan" that was made for The Lord of the Rings Online for their new Riders of Rohan expansion. So pretty...

Shhh. It's Lord of the Rings...bask in the awesomeness.

This page that has 28 pictures of cute animals dressed up for Christmas.

I look fucking ridiculous. Ridiculously ADORABLE.

This dude discusses taxidermy and the preservation of humans. It is worth watching just to see the goat bagpipe. GOAT BAGPIPE, you guys!

Let me play you the song of my people. HWRENK!

The most adorable booby defense system ever. 

GAH! Tits with claws?! That's just unnatural!

And finally, this picture just made me squee.

I'm all tucked in. Give me a carrot and read me a story.

And that is it for this week. See you all on Monday, where I am sure to be bitching about something.