This is part three of my Domestically Challenged series. In case you missed it, visit part one and part two. How many parts will there be? I don’t know. There will continue to be new “entries” whenever I find something domestic that I am inept at, so this could very well go on forever.
This entry is regarding house plants. Or just plants in general. I kill them.
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If you give me a plant or expect me to take care of one of yours,
you have sentenced it to certain death. |
Currently in my house I have a little palm-like tree, a Christmas cactus, two shoots of bamboo, a citronella (it usually lives outside, but has to be brought in for winter), and
a tropical tree/plant thingy that are alive. I used to have three shoots of bamboo, but...
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Do you have any idea how hard this shit is to kill?!
I killed it very effectively without any effort at all. |
The reason the rest are still alive is probably because I don't touch them. I also make
David water them. In fact I am forbidden from touching the tropical tree/plant thingy because it's David's and it has flourished since he rescued it, half-dead, from a dark shelf in Walmart.
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| Mostly because I don't touch it and I try not to breathe near it... |
Most houseplants have very few steps in their maintenance plan: water, sunlight, moderate environment, maybe a little fertilizer...it isn't a hard plan to follow.
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| "Maybe you are just a dumbass." - The Plants |
It's not like I don't try, but clearly all of my plants are suicidal. I water them weekly (bi-weekly for cacti). I make sure the shade plants have shade and the sun plants have sun. I have even bought the little Miracle Gro fertilizer sticks and followed the directions exactly. I re-pot them when (if?) they get too big for their container. I have tried watering plants more if they are looking crispy or less if they are looking spongy. Despite all of this, all plants invariably succumb to my "care."
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| Oh, goddamnit! I just bought you ten minutes ago! |
Apparently I should just stick with
air ferns...
I am like the Scourge of Plants, which is the
shittiest super power ever because indoor plants are pretty.
3 comments:
Try some air orchids - they are very cool, and all you do is hang them or suspend them somewhere we=here they will get good air circulation/flow around the leaves. Then spray 'em every once in a while.
That said... I had two once and I killed 'em. 0_0
I bought three mint plants from the store. They all died. I brought home two plants from work. They died. My girls and I planted 4 seedlings which grew for 3 weeks until they died as well. Sigh.
I decided to try my hand one more time and brought home two more plants from work. They looked a little crunchy and sad for a couple weeks and then I named then LaFern and Shirley and I kid you not, they are still alive. Beats the shit out of me as to why.
Tash: Air orchids?! I have never heard of such a plant. Hmmm...I shall have to see if I can find one around here.
Audra: I'm sorry you are also the Scourge of Plants. But note to self – named plants may live longer. I am going to name my bamboo shoots KungFu and Panda, my tropical spikey thing Tyrone (because it looks like an afro on a really tall guy) and my Christmas cactus can be Jesus (because Christmas). I don't think David would appreciate me naming his plant...
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