Happy Shit – 10/4/13

Hi guys. I am so excited it is October! It is my favorite time of year, weather-wise. Also, my birthday and my husband's birthday are this month! AND Halloween! It is the best month ever.

As long as we don't get a snowstorm on Halloween again...

I am kind of freaking out because I don't have a costume ready to go for Halloween this year, but I know what I want to be. Last year, David and I tried to be way too ambitious and we never finished with our Zelda and Link costumes. They are really hard to make, especially if you are a perfectionist and have OCD for even the tiniest details, like we both do.

So many details. ALL THE DETAILS.

This year I am going with something much easier. Hopefully I can pull it off...

This. I am going to do this. I can do it...right?

Anyway, fun act of the week: The highest temperature ever recorded at the South Pole was 8 degrees (Fahrenheit).

Hey guys! Break out the speedos! It's swim time!

And now, happy shit!

This guy having a sing-a-long to the song "Build Me Up, Buttercup" on the highway.

I love this song. My sister and I used to go for rides after I got my license and sing this at the top of our lungs. It was even more magical than you can imagine.

And here is the same guy having a sing-a-long to "I Want It That Way".

This guy gets really into it. I love it.

This gif of a little girl poking a dog right in the pooper.

POKE.

The commercial and website for Poopourri.

Trying to mask the stench with aerosols, gives you a nice blend of chem-lab carnations and just a touch of feces.

This gif of a demonic KFC ketchup packet.

The Colonel sees all. 

This video of cats and dogs proving the "if I fits, I sits" axiom to be true.

No, no! It's cool, I've got this!
Fuck, Fuck, FUCK!
Guys? I'm stuck...

This gif of bunnies chasing each other's butts.

Hold still! I almost have it!

This super sweet video of a puppy, a kitty, and a hedgehog being pals.

OMG!

This gif of a really snuggly otter.

SQUEE!

And finally, this series of videos about the problems with jeggings: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3. Part 3 is probably my favorite.

What about my backet? It's my winter jacket that just covers my back.

And that's it for this week! Have a good weekend :-)

Fuck This Day

Seriously, fuck this day with a porcupine's tail. Right in the asshole.

Monday night, I was driving home and I had to pee. However, it wasn't a normal,"Hey, I've kinda got to pee" feeling. It was more of a,"HOLY SHIT, I MUST URINATE NOW!" kind of feeling. I know that feeling. I HATE THAT FEELING. That feeling means a UTI, and of course all the doctor's offices are already closed. Because OF COURSE THEY ARE.

Hey, we decided that we are only going to be open during the hours you work. Also, we will be closed during lunchtime. For your convenience.

Since I am not made of money, I can't afford a trip to the ER. When I went in July for my panic attacks, they charged me almost $900 just to look at me and tell me it was a pulled muscle (which, of course, it wasn't). They didn't listen to me or even give me any fun drugs...so yeah, fuck that. Guess I am riding this bitch out 'til morning.

"A pulled muscle? But what about my heart racing and my difficulty breathing?"
"You hang in there sunshine! Tough that shit out!"
"Um...okay...?"

Because I get these lovely infections a lot, when I got home I commenced with the normal plan which is to drink ALL of the water. On a side note, I also bought some blackcurrant juice on my way home, in place of the normal cranberry juice they tell you to drink (I hate cranberry juice) and it was pretty awesome.

And if you put it in a pretty glass, it looks like wine.

Anyway, I woke up the next morning in some serious pain. I called in sick and waited until eight when my doctor's office opens. My primary care doctor usually just calls in a prescription for me, I go the pharmacy and then I go home and try to relax while the pain slowly subsides. That was not to be this morning. My doctor was out of the office, and the covering physician would not call in the prescription without a urinalysis (despite the fact that it is in my file that it is okay to do so without it).

"Um, yeah...I'm gonna need you to piss in a cup for my enjoyment." - Covering physician, part-time asshole

With my insurance it costs $300 to go to a lab and do the test (referral or not). Shockingly, I opted to just go to the local urgent care which my insurance covers completely instead. That was a horrible miscalculation on my part. Have you ever been in an urgent care facility at around 8:30 in the morning on a weekday?

Blue hairs. Blue hairs EVERYWHERE.
(Do other parts of the country call old people "blue hairs"? If not let me explain: it is in reference to the older people who have their hair chemically treated so it is all a uniform white color, often so white it is bluish looking)

I have nothing against old people. I love my grandparents. I love my husband's grandparents. But these people...these people are THOSE old people. The ones that are bitching about everything, loudly over-sharing things that really shouldn't be shared, and hocking a loogie right next to you.

I'm too hot. Turn down the thermostat. Did you turn it down? I thought so. You turned it down too much. Now I'm too cold. This isn't good for my condition. Speaking of conditions, just the other day I was talking to Phyllis about vaginal dryness and she said there is this vibrator...cough, cough, cough, HOCK-PTOOIE!

I waited for an hour with this horde (...flock...what does one call a group of old people?), but it was all worth it. I was in and out of there in no time, with a prescription already called in. WOO-HOO! To celebrate my escape from the clinic and to waste time while waiting for my prescription to be filled, I treated myself to a quick breakfast.

Sadly, I did not get a "happy ending" with my eggs and toast. Guess that is just for the afternoon crowd.

I then ventured to the pharmacy, my goal of going home to curl up into the fetal position was finally within reach! But cruelly, it was snatched away as I was informed that my insurance "wasn't able to accept any claims for the day" but if I could wait until tomorrow, they could process it then. Um...FUCK NO.

YES! SMASH! And then cry for a bit because I hurt...please, just give me the drugs. Please. *whimpering*

I told them I would pay the $15 for the damn thing, I just needed it today. He said he would have to revoke the insurance claim and it would take about 10 minutes. Forty-five minutes later, I was still at the pharmacy, in pain and seriously pissed off. However, I maintained my goddamn composure because I am a fucking lady and kindly informed him that I was in pain and that I would really like my medication. Please. 

PLEASE?

Then the asshat informs me that it has been ready for a while. Oh, hell no. NO. I told him I was waiting. I was sitting three feet from this jackass the entire time, he couldn't have just said,"it's ready" or something? Apparently, I am just supposed to feel when the time is right with my fucking force powers?!

Maybe I'll just shoot a lightening bolt right at your dick while I'm at it, you incompetent motherfucker.

Needless to say, the other five people who had also been waiting were a little miffed that he was an inefficient douchcake, as he had neglected to tell them that their prescriptions were ready too. When I left, he was getting a serious dressing down by a very angry old lady, while her husband stood by smirking.

Oh no sonny, I'm not gonna call her off. You're on your own.

And so, my journey was at an end. I went home, took my medication, and played Ticket to Ride on my iPad until I felt sleepy and then I took a nap. The-fucking-end.

Happy Shit - 9/27/13

Hi guys. Sorry I didn't post last week, but I was crazy busy and didn't have time to watch cool videos, which is sad because I LIKE watching cool videos.

It's like they WANT me to have a breakdown at work.

Anyway, fun fact of the week for last week: The male giraffe will continuously headbutt the female in the bladder until she urinates. The male then tastes the pee and that helps it determine whether the female is ovulating.

 If she is, it’s business time.

Fun fact of the week for this week: Abalones (a snail) have 5 assholes.

Yeah, they pretty much look like they're made out of assholes too.

And now, happy shit! Huzzah!

This link to a list of bad book covers was sent to me by a friend. I am not sure I have forgiven her for the damage it has done to my psyche.

Except this one. This one is awesome.

Another friend sent me this link to crafts that will haunt your dreams. I would just like to say it isn't all that creepy...some of them were actually kinda cool.

Tampon angel ornament. I don't even know what to say, I just was dumbfounded.

This video teaches you how to get up like a ninja.

I have always wanted to know how to do this, but I am afraid I would break myself or someone else if I tried it.

This My Little Brony commercial.

Have fun the basement bedroom play set!

And since it is getting close to Halloween (YAY!), I've been watching cool makeup tutorials. Like this pretty woodland fairy one:

All ethereal and shit.

And this one on how to apply creepy clown makeup.

I WANT TO EAT YOUR SOUL.

And this Mystique-like eye makeup tutorial.

Or perhaps a bird of some kind, instead of Mystique...

Men Explain: Waxing, wherein Chris and Max try waxing Chris' leg.

Hug out the pain.

This video of Taylor David covering the Gladiator Theme.

Mentioning business time in the giraffe fact made me think of the Business Time music video by Flight of the Conchords.

You know when I'm down to my socks, it's time for business that's why they call them business socks!

And a new Ask a Mortician!

Look, pizza and a drag queen! How are you NOT intrigued?

And finally, a new True Facts. This one is about frogs.

WARNING: The last scene is traumatic as fuck.
Seriously, it will haunt your nightmares.

And that is it this week. I have been working on a couple of normal posts but inspiration and motivation have been problematic as of late, and for that I apologize.

Happy Shit - 9/13/13

This week was messed up.

Firstly, the weather: it started out all beautiful and fall-like on Monday, then it became violently stormy, humid, and hot as hell. We set record levels for heat here on Wednesday: 95 in Portsmouth. In September. Fuck. That. Shit. Now it is going back to fall temperatures this weekend, which I hope will stick around.

I wish we could have autumn weather all year. It is nice and sunny and about 50-70 degrees.
Perfect conditions for the Melissa.

Second, work: I have had the most messed up workflow this week. Boredom, utter panic and chaos, then boredom again...and it was all weird requests from people I don't normally work with.

Hello? Oh yes, I would be super happy to hurry up and wait!

And third: Weirdness. I just feel off. My sense of timing is off (I think it is 3pm and it is really 12pm), my schedule has been all kinds of fucked up, I have my period and feel all bloated and gross, I can feel my S.A.D. kicking in as the days rapidly get shorter, and I had to take a coworker/friend to the ER for kidney stones yesterday. All in all, a messed up week.

The sad, sad cycle of S.A.D.

Fun fact of the week: The largest number of children born to one woman is recorded at 69. From 1725-1765, a Russian peasant woman gave birth to 16 sets of twins, 7 sets of triplets, and 4 sets of quadruplets.

Fun related fact about my family: My grandfather is the youngest of 12 children (he has an "older" twin sister...older by 2 hours).

And now, here is some happy shit:

This baby cheetah making adorable noises.

Look at me and try to resist the adorable. Then I will melt your heart with my adorable noises.

This gif of a cat being caught stealing underpants.

I love how he tries to go all casual at the end like,"Oh. Hey. Didn't see you there. There is nothing going on here..."

I wish Fig was as well behaved in the bath as this baby bunny in the shower.

See Fig? CALM. There is no need to flail madly and look at me like I have betrayed you.

This gif of a very happy, derp-faced dog.

He is derping so hard right now...DERP!

This really awesome Guinness commercial of guys playing wheelchair basketball with their friend.

The ending will hit you, right in the feels...

This gif of cats being cats.

And this video of tiny kitties being Super Cats.

*No kittens were harmed in the making of this video.

And the sequel to Super Cats, this time with puppies AND kitties: Super Dogs!

It feels so good to be gangster. Woof.

And this gif of a dude making ramen in the most manly way possible.

I've been making/eating ramen wrong...

And that's it for this week!

Happy Shit - 9/6/13

What's up, internet friends?

Today was one of those days where I just wanted to rip my hair out. By the time this afternoon came, I had been bombarded with multiple requests, subjected to high school levels of drama, had a small panic attack (complete with stress hives - oh yes, those are a thing), and my printer decided that it really didn't want to talk to my computer anymore, therefore screwing over all printing for the rest of the day.

It looks all nice and innocent, but really it is lurking...waiting for the most inopportune moment to BE A FUCKING ASSHAT.

Anyway, fun fact of the week: Baby koalas eat special poops from their moms called pap. Pap contains enzymes that help them break down the tough fibers of eucalyptus and gum leaves until they can start producing enough of their own enzymes to eat and digest it own their own.

OMG! I don't even care that you eat poop, I want to love your face!

And happy shit:

This link is less "happy shit" and more "oh-my-fucking-god-this-is-disgusting-why-am-I-watching-this"...

"Oh, it's daytime! Better eat some larvae and drink my own piss!" - Bear Grills

And from the same site, here are 18 images, most of which will haunt your dreams.

MAP TIME! MAP TIME!

Okay, I promise I am done with the disturbing and disgusting stuff. Look at this cool video of people driving into a shitbunch of cardboard boxes!

It makes me happy inside to see all of the cardboard destruction.

And because I use this phrase all the time, here is Flula trying to understand "piss like a racehorse."

This is the photo that came up when I searched "Piss like a racehorse." Yes.

And this cover of Fields of Gold by Evynne Hollens is nice.

I don't know why the internet has been devoid of readily available funny things lately...I hope you have a lovely weekend and I will write again sometime next week.