I'm boring.

Hey guys.

Not much going lately besides work I'm afraid, and you know what they say:"All work and no play makes for one boring-ass blog." I have worked ever increasing amounts of overtime for the past four weeks and today I feel icky. However, I am at work because last year I got yelled at and told I was going to lose my job for taking too many sick days after taking a grand total of three sick days.

If you need me, I will be the one in the freezing office,
wrapped in two sweaters and a coat, curled up in the fetal
position under my desk hoping for sweet, merciful death.
Or at least a nap.

Also, my iPhone has been freaking the fuck out for no goddamn reason for the past few months. Yes, I restarted it. Yes, I updated it. Yes, I disconnected and reconnected to wi-fi a billion times. Yes, I sang it the song of its people and sacrificed a virgin to try to appease its gods. It was all for naught however, because last week it kicked its plan for inexplicable vengeance into high gear. It refused to open Facebook, Pinterest, or my email, and I had a 50/50 shot at getting it to open and play music. It would sit there and say it was working, load a blank screen and then BAM! Back to the motherfucking start screen for you, asshole.

I'm getting the feeling that you are upset.

So this past weekend, I replaced its bitch-ass! Meet my new phone, the Nokia Lumia 920 (I have named it Stumpy, as I do with every phone and flash drive I own):

Da-da-da-DAAAAAA!!!
New and improved STUMPY!!

It's the new Windows phone and I have to say that I really like it so far (no, I am not being paid to say any of this). It works really well with Windows 8 and putting music on and taking it off is SO MUCH EASIER than it was with my iPhone. Seriously, iTunes and I are mortal enemies and I hate it's stupid fucking face. Anyway, the Lumia 920 is also half the price of the new iPhone 5 with way more features. WINNING.

This isn't to say that my iPhone has given up its plans for revenge. In my efforts to transfer all of my music to my new phone, I first had to sync all the new music I purchased on my iPhone to my computer. It is refusing to do so. Touché, iPhone. Touché.

But...I didn't download that app...

You win this day, iPhone. But vengeance will be MINE!

Happy Shit – 1/25/13

The end of another week and it is time for us to forget why it sucked ass and focus and on the good things that happened. Or some shit.

No.

(I fucking love this cat. Seriously.)

Okay, our random fact of the week is: After sustaining trauma to the brain (via injury, stroke, infection, etc.), some people develop alien hand syndrome. The victim can feel the hand, but they have no control over its movement and they no longer sense it as part of themselves.

Oh, sorry! I have alien hand syndrome!

Does it scare you guys that all the random facts I have shared with you I didn't have to look up (other than to verify that I was correct because fact checking is important)?

On to the happy shit!

Here are some designer representations of awful client feedback. I have actually experienced a lot of this kind of "feedback." Yes, it is just as awful as it sounds.

Ummmm...but they raped, pillaged, killed,
and ate babies...okay, maybe not that last one, but still.

 This totally kick-ass Avengers artwork rocks my socks.

I. Am. Iron. Man.

Our favorite mortician was on a Death Panel! Woo! They discuss different cultures ideas of death, coping with death and the future of the death industry.

Note: Not the kind of death panel that extreme Republicans have warned us about.

This guy's blog is pretty hilarious. I love his entry on reasons his three year old might be flipping out.

Another reason: There is a bird on their head.
And another reason: There ISN'T a bird on their head.

I find this time lapse of Bob Ross painting very soothing.

Happy trees, my friends.

 This short video of 1-week-old bunnies. If you don't squee at this, you have no soul.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Max No Sleeves tells us what guys think about when grocery shopping. I think there might be something wrong with me, as I think a lot of these things...except for the OJ thing, because pulp is fucking disgusting and makes me think of dandruff being in my delicious orangey beverage.

WTF are you trying to tell me lettuce bag?! I don't know what all
your fancy terms mean, I just want some fucking salad.

 Fucking. Cat. Armor. And mouse armor too, because it has to be a fair fight.

All hail Mittens! King of the Cats!

 This squirrel totally screwing up a baseball game.

WAY more entertaining than actually watching a baseball game.

This voice-over of nature footage. Apparently, on the BBC this is an actual show. Why don't we have this?! It is hilarious!

Nighttime...

And finally, this video of LMFAO dancing to the Cantina band song. It is amazing how well it lines up to the original song...

We don't serve their kind in here...

 

Civil Rights Day

This was supposed to be posted on Monday for the holiday, but I kinda missed that...day late and a dollar short. However, I am still going to post it because this is actually a thing that bothers me.

Oh damn! She's gettin' on her soapbox! RUN!

For those of you who don't know: every year on the third Monday of January, forty-eight states celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I think that is wrong.

Oh hell no! You did NOT just say that.

Hear me out, I have NOTHING against Mr. King and I am NOT a racist, I just think that the day should be called Civil Rights Day instead. Both New Hampshire and Arizona call it Civil Rights Day and while I have no idea what their reasons are for keeping that name when so many other states have changed it, here is why I believe it should be called Civil Rights Day:

The Eclipsed
I would bet that most students in the US could tell you who Martin Luther King, Jr is. But could they tell you about Medgar Evers? How about William Edward Burghardt Du Bois? Charles Hamilton Houston? Harry and Harriette Moore? Dr. Carter Godwin Woodson? Could they tell you anything about them? Do they even know who they are? Do you?

Sweet glasses and classy mullet dude!
This has to be one of those guys, right?

All of the people above contributed significantly to the fight for African American equality. Some even died for it. Dr. Woodson is actually known as the "Father of Black History," yet how many of you knew his name? These names shouldn't be languishing in obscurity. They fought hard and made great strides for their cause, but only one man is remembered. One man is not a movement. A movement is collective, with many voices, hearts, and ideas. The Civil Rights Movement did not begin with Martin Luther King, Jr. and it did not end with him. So many deserve credit for their part.

Equality
So far, we have really only discussed African American rights, but there are and have been so many more struggles for basic human freedoms and rights. People from many different races, creeds, religions, and both sexes have been abused and neglected throughout our history and the history of the world. It is important that we don't forget the abuses these people suffered and still suffer. We should not forget the Asian American struggle for equal rights, the women's movement and all of its many facets, the mistreatment of Muslims after 9/11, or the hatred directed at LGBT communities.

Keeping With The Times
I am by no means saying that the struggle for equal rights is over for the African American population, but there are now other equality issues that are more relevant to the times and need to be addressed immediately. Like what? How about LGBT rights? Reproductive rights for women? Disability rights? Health care rights?

I love this angry cat...

What I am saying is, society is fluid and so are our problems and needs. To name a holiday after one man who was part of one (albeit very important) movement seems to limit the meaning of the holiday. Civil rights is so much bigger than one man, one cause, and one nation.

No one deserves to be isolated, spurned, violated, or told they are less than just because they are different. Different colors, different beliefs, and different ideas make us as a species grow, learn and thrive. I believe this day is meant to celebrate equality of all people, from every race, creed and sex, and memorialize all the struggles past and all that are yet to come.

Apparently sometime between kindergarten and adulthood,
some of us lose sight of the Golden Rule.

Happy Shit – 1/18/13

Hi everyone! I hope your week sucked less than mine. Mine sucked like a black hole.

All your sanity goes in and crazy comes out.

 Fun fact of the week: Before 1920, it was technically legal to send children through the mail.

Who wants to go visit grandma?!

On to the happy shit!

This video of a super happy guinea pig popcorning (no, that is not a seizure) is absolutely ADORABLE. For those of you who don't know, popcorning is when guinea pigs jump straight into the air (sometimes up to 6 inches) and have a little, wiggly orgasm of happiness in the air. Then they repeat as necessary.

OMG! HE IS SO PUMPED!

Okay, since I shared the links to Bad Lip Synching last week, their new NFL video has gone viral. Holy shit you guys, I created a fucking trend! This is the really bad lip reading of NFL clips if you haven't seen it.

And the whole floor was covered in bean bags.

And here is Einstein the parrot doing an interview.

She can make laser noises. LASER NOISES.

A beautiful ballet piece featuring physically handicapped dancers.

None of us are perfect, but that doesn't mean we can't be beautiful.

In keeping with the ballet theme, the Guangdong Acrobatic Troupe's interpretation of Swan lake is amazing. They add in gymnastics, juggling, trampolines, unicycles, and a whole bunch of other stuff. So, like Cirque de Soleil without the creepiness. It is on YouTube in 11 parts: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11.

He has a woman balancing on his head. In pointe shoes.

Then there is this: Eye of the Tiger on a Keytar. KEYTAR!!!! She also does the Xena Theme.

Keytar: the kind of all 80's instruments.

Sorry it is a short list, but it has been that kind of week. I will endeavor to post on Monday.

Let's Talk About My Day

Holy fucking shit guys, this has been the day from hell. Let me tell you about it so I can pour my anger and frustration into something more constructive than beating people. After all, I am too pretty for prison.

Go ahead. Someone throw gasoline on this bitch of a day.

It all began this morning at 2 am. The husband has been sick and having sinus issues lately, so he has been snoring. Last night, he was really loud. In fact, I could HEAR HIM THROUGH MY EARPLUGS. So I went out to sleep on the couch, where I could still hear him.

I will fucking smother you. With love.

My alarm goes off early and I get ready for work. Why early? Because the town has decided to make the main road that goes by my house one way while they do construction (in the middle of fucking winter in New England...yeah...) and of course it goes the exact opposite of the direction I need to go. Oh and it will be staying this way for a fucking YEAR.

Please observe the assholery of this.
The green arrows show my normal route. The purple ones show my new route.
There are also TWO goddamn schools on that road that I now have to go right by,
just as all the kids are getting dropped off.

In addition to the asshattery above, it was snowing this morning. And not just a little "oh, it's so pretty" snow. This was the snow that actively wants to kill you by coating the road in a layer of perma-snow that fuses to the road so even the plows can't scrape it off and feels like you are driving on a slippery cheese grater.

"I have always wanted to drive 20mph on the highway," said no one ever.

I arrive at work, after an hour and a half of slipping and sliding, only to be accosted right away as I walk in the door with a project that needs to be done ASAP and sent out in the overnight mail. Only I don't have all the requisite materials I need to complete my task.

I haven't even unlocked my office or had a fucking cup
of coffee yet. You better be bleeding to death.

I finally get the fabric swatches I need and then I am informed that the person in charge of the project (who lives halfway across the country), has not approved or even seen these swatches and I am supposed to send them to customer. Not cool. So calls are made, people bitch at other people, there is copious amounts of finger-pointing, colors are matched and re-matched, archives of shit older than I am are cracked open, legal precedent is quoted...and there I am, stuck right in the middle as referee and all I wanted to do was send out some damn swatches so I could get back to my regular work.

Someone tell me when you are all done fighting. It better be before 4pm when the mail goes out.

In addition to this, I had several visitors to my office that just wanted to hang out and fucking chat, when it is VERY clear that I was under deadline. I was also visited by a person who proceeded to hack and cough all over my office and me...which by the way? Ew. Cover your damn mouth and get a fucking tissue, you are an adult. Then he informs me that he has the flu.

Gee, thanks asshole for coming in and infecting the rest of us.

I finally get the package out 15 minutes before the deadline for overnight mail. That means it took from 9:30am to 3:45pm to hash this bullshit out. I had barely had time to pee in between the angry-rant calls, so obtaining lunch was out of the question and by the time everything ended, I might as well say "fuck eating" and wait for dinner. As I return to my desk and flop into my chair, hoping for some solitude and quiet, I received two more urgent projects from people who are equally disorganized.

*headdesk*

All in all, my brain officially checked out around 2, I have a raging headache from all the douchbaggery, I am hungry and tired and I just want to go home.

Home, however, is an hour away on a good day and it has gotten colder so everything on the roads has frozen solid...I am having an AWESOME fucking day.

Happy Shit – 1/11/13

Last Friday, I was lulled into a false sense of complacency and left thinking that Monday would be a relatively calm day at work and everything would be cool. However, on Monday I was sucked into the shit-storm haze that is last minute trade show preparation, and I have just now emerged victorious. Then I realized that it is now Friday again and I promised you an update on Monday...I suck. So I drew this picture of me being a goddamn designer superhero:

You're welcome internet.

Okay, so fact of the week: The skin of an average adult covers approximately 12-20 square feet and accounts for 12% of body weight.

Seriously, you should get a dermatologist to look at that.

First on my list of happy shit this week is this picture of a guinea in a wheel chair. It made me squee so hard. It is from the Sterling Impression Animal Rehabilitation Center of New England, which is an awesome place for all disabled pets.

OH. EM. GEE. SQQQQQUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEE!

OMG! My most favorite YouTube musicians ever (The Piano Guys and Lindsey Stirling) teamed up to make this epic video!

This message will self-destruct...

COPS: Skyrim wants you to know not to play with fire. Use your magic responsibly.

BAM! Fire hands.

And more Neil Patrick Harris puppet dreams!

This is a couture dream! *SNAP*

MaxNoSleeves gives us a list of New Year's Resolutions that he won't keep, and one he will.

Eating Healthy: Hey Dominos, do you have salads? Great, I'll take five deep dish pizzas.
Yup...that is how my resolutions usually work out.

This absolutely hilarious bad lip reading mash up of Bruno Mars, Lady Gaga, and Jay-Z. Seriously, this damn song has been in my head all week. Thanks a lot David...asshole.

I have no idea what the real songs sound like or what the real words are,
but as far as I am concerned they SHOULD be singing about Grande Tacos and
stealing a midget's Porsche while he is tied to a stake in the rain.

Here is another hilarious lip reading, this time of Michael Bublé's "Haven't Met You Yet". Also, here is Michael Bublé's reaction to seeing this parody of his song.

I don't care what the original song is about,
they made the chorus into "We can shoot a Russian Unicorn"
and made fart and poop jokes. That is way more awesome
than anything it was before.

If this was how basketball was played, I would actually watch it.

There should be more trampolines in all sports.

And, HOLY SHIT. This video is a combo of Assassin's Creed III and parkour. It is amazeballs. This one is also amazing.

Just a dude, killin' the British and flippin' out in 1775.

Also, unicycle freestyling. It is one of the weirdest, but most awesome things I have ever seen.

Yup, just sliding down this bannister on a motherfucking unicycle. No big thing.

And of course, the new episode of Ask a Mortician: Special Hawaii Edition. Also, she is writing a BOOK! YAY!

This is Caitlin's book-writing face.

And this video featuring camera warfare. You keep thinking, "Damn, this is an awesome war movie," but then? CAMERAS.

Oh shit! RUN! He has a zoom lens!

This has to be the most epic paintball fight ever.

We claim this fucking dirt pile bitches!

And that is it for this week. Since my promises of posting have been broken for the last, oh...month or so? Let's just say I will post some time next week...